I wonder if there is a connection between PTSD and f**ed up relationships.
I meen, i allow the scum of the earth to abuse me and the one person who treats me like an angel I abuse. I find that twisted.
He protects me, he looks out for me, he stands up for, he has been through some nasty and painful fights with his own family (including disowning them) for me, he's going to uproote his entire life to a forigen county for me, just to allow me a fresh start, he puts up with all my fits and tantrums and night terros, and phsycosomatic illnesses, with my depression and illnesses. It's just him and me, we have no family, no friends, he works 12 hrs a day from 5 am to support me, while I dick around all day trying to find myself, all he asks of me is that by the time we get the heck out of here, i'll be happy.
And that one little request I can't manage. I am miserable, and he says I make him the happiest man in the world but I am so mean to him. I don't talk to him, I give him a hard time, the little pleasure he has which is my laptop I took away from him, were broke and I don't even bother to pick up my paychecks from temp jobs cause Im too depresed and broken….Plus my paychecks are demeaning…I have too much pride I would have a higher self esteem turning tricks.
He has a hard time dealing with the fact that I am miserable at his house, but yeah I was happier when I lived on the streets, atleast there I could pee without being afraid of being attacked by a crazy woman.
When I do talk it's just trashing his mom, and I can see it hurts him….not because he cares about her, but just because he wished he had a different mom.
I made him quit smoking weed, cause it literally made him insane….but lately he started begging for my pain medication so I just stopped filling those prescriptions, so now with my night terros I also wake up with terrible pains. I would rather be in pain than turn my angel into a junkie. I have enough of those in my family,
In 30 min I need to call him and wake him up. It's been 5 days since I left his house, we haven't spent longer than his 12 hr shift apart in 9 months, and during those 5 days we talked maybe 10 min on the phone a day. I didn't even bother picking up the phone when he calls.
It's not personal agains him, I just…..Im drowning in fear, and anxiety, and nightmares, and I know it sounds like I am making excuses but Im not, I really do feel….I can't explain this in any other word but trauma.
I wake up screaming 10 times a night, most of the day Im paralyzed from fear. I some times pray I would have the balls to go back to Tel-Aviv and go back to being a homeless junkie….it actiually seems like a better life than what Im going through right now. Last time I tried that I lost all my survival skills chickend out, tossed all the drugs to the sea, and ended up gang raped beaten and crazier than ever. That was after I was chased by angry african refugees for 5 hrs who wanted to kill me for my macbook….and one of them punched me in the eye for a lighter….some day that was, Not only did I not achive my goal of going back to being a homeless junkie but I gave my bf PTSD and ended right back where I started. In that small apartment filled with crazy morrocans, and a butload of bottled up anger.
I will not drink….no matter what I will not drink……
I will not use…no matter what I will not use…….
This feeling is only temporary…..
I will not get on a bus and take a journy……
ha….who am I kidding I don't need any mantras. Im too afraid.
Affraid to move even. really Im not exadurating. I have been dying to pee for 3 hrs, Iv'e been too affraid to get up let alone get out of my room.
Im affraid of calling my bf in 15 min, he'll ask if I was up all night, there is no right answer to that question. I can't lie, I never lie, and I can't. Just can't explain to him why I didn't sleep.
He'll blame me, he'll lecture me, get mad, get dissapointed, worry, demand I come back home, blame my brother, my mother, my bunny I don't know….If I don't call, he'll call….that will freak me out. anyway he'll ask why I didn't answer, just the thought of having to figure out a way out of this mess will keep me up all day, I won't sleep, won't eat right won't excersize mutalate my face again….Im stuck in a sand trap…..Im starting to freak out, I need more time, I can't go back home…..He's going to know I ate things I wasn't supposed to, that I was awake at night, that I was miserable…..I can't I can't handle this! And I have a few other people causing me just as much stress….I wish I had the guts to drink or use, or atleast get up, or do something….I wish I could go back to the phsyc ward…..i need a time machine for that. they changed it. plus I have alot of enemies there. oh lord….morning noises….the paper man's motoer bike. soon the garbage truck then the cars, the dogs, then my brother again, then my mom coming in to bring me my meds…..why?
I hope no body is reading this, im not crazy, just…noise, people, interaction…..frightens me….and I have no outlet. I can't cry, I'm already on probation so nomore crazy violent fits in public…..the rape hotline wont take my calls….they say I call too much……and I DONT NEED MEDICATION! PTSD IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TREAT WITH DRUGS! only with medical merijuana, but that is bad for my bf….so no….just me and my terror….shit…3 min. Im so affraid. but of what?
noises. sunrise, people, questions, anger…..Im affraid of all that.