I’ve been struggling with finding meaning in my life. I know I have my husband and daughter to live for, but I still feel very empty inside. My symptoms don’t help of course, they take up so much space in my life it’s ridiculous. I was just thinking that this weather is like beach weather, it’s chilly outside. We do live close to the bay water, the San Leandro Marina is just a 10-minute walk from our house. I’m wearing leggings and a tank top, and my favorite sweater (J. Jill). I didn’t really get dressed today, I normally wouldn’t go out in public in just leggings, but my only activity for today was to exercise and do laundry. Back to the topic at hand, I just can’t seem to find something to latch onto, an interest or a hobby, or at the very least, something interesting to write about. It feels like I’ve hit a wall mentally, and I don’t have any rope to climb with. Off topic again, but this tea is really good- it’s joint comfort tea by Yogi. It’s got turmeric, peppermint and lemongrass, among other herbs which I can’t remember. Since I am exercising more lately, it’s probably a good thing that I take care of my joints. My left knee has been bugging me.
Ok, back to the main topic here. I feel like I have all these ideas on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t manifest any of them. I want to crawl back in time, back to when I lived in North Oakland. How happy we were, and how beautiful the world was back then. I didn’t have any problem finding meaning then. I spent most of my time either up in my room on the computer or out in the garden relaxing with a cup of tea. We were so happy. Now I’m not happy, I’m bloody miserable. For one thing, the whole world looks frightening to me, the trees all look scraggly and dead. Secondly, it’s very dark to my eyes, I see dark shadows in everything all the time. Something is missing in the world. There’s a bright spark missing. Things look gloomy and dark, figuratively and literally.
I don’t know how to fill this emptiness that I feel. My depression is so severe, that the things I used to find satisfying no longer are. I used to be interested in all kinds of things, but now none of it does anything for me. The darkness is stifling and overwhelming. The whole world just looks terrible to my eyes, I often wonder if I am going blind. That would explain the darkness that I see. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I don’t feel safe in the world, not anywhere, any way. I miss my normal life! I miss the life I used to have, safe, secure, enjoyable, beautiful. It’s all slipping away from me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no hobbies besides writing, yoga, and hiking. I can only do so much of each in a day. How I wish the world would just go back to normal. Everything feels like it’s closing in on me, like my house is somehow shrinking and falling into a black hole of nothingness.
I can’t explain what is happening to me, it’s beyond words. I can no longer go out for walks, because the whole world starts to look distorted when I go out, it’s very frightening. I’ve lit some incense as an offering to Mother Gaia, in the hopes that she will help me see the beauty in the world again. I am starved for beauty. The Bay Area that I once knew is no longer. It’s now covered in trash, graffiti, homeless encampments, dead trees, and just a horrible darkness. I can’t believe it.