i get lost going places i've seen a hundred times or even walked before 5 times. I almost got lost just walking a 5-10 minuite route i've been about 5 times. I'm so stupid, i can't think and i can't map things or places out in my head it won't let me. As soon as i start to even try storing information there (not that i even know how to work it or believe that part of my brain is actually alive) it won't let me. My anxiety says "NO" sorry. you can't do that because i won't let you, this is a danger situation, even though it isn't a danger situation.

that's just the social anxiety. It's what happens if someone just looks at me before they attempt to speak to me, i feel as though they're pointing a weapon at me. i promise i'd so much less anxious if they were. This absolutely horrible anxiety wipes me out and it actually aches my bones and causes physical problems as well. It traps me in fight or flight for most of the day and without even being able to control it, because of how terrified i am, even around all the people i know best which isn't many, i subconciously send out signals to scare them away (i think). i feel on the spot and absolutely terrible and I wish that something through my eyes would tell them exactly how i feel and my whole personality and life story but it doesn't and they just leave or drift off (every single person in my life does this in some way). I hate the fact that they're leaving me though because i actually don't just want to talk to them i really need it because it's the reason i have all my problems in the first place, because i need and want to speak to people more than anything but can't. I've never been so massively tired in ages. I think somethings happening to me hormonally because my hormones/emotions are completely going up and down. i can't sleep because i feel rage and need to tear up my room and need to fight but then i think about how things"COULD" be which makes me really happy but for no reason (my little thing that i actually diddnt know i did untill now (iv just read this back and got serious de ja vu)which is my way of defeating the depression- like giving yourself a mental happy drug or something by switching to your imaginary world and beiliving your going to make it happen soon. i do it becaus i HAVE to because otherwise all i'm fantasising about is suicide methods which makes me feels trapped and panicky because i'm too scared to do it and terrified of death anyway and then i get all these angry thoughts about dying and regretting it (if there was some other conciousness to regret it from, and all that confusing stuff confuses me and basically i can either chose to live in this fantasy world and beilive it or be in absolute mental pitch blackness and just hope i can sleep the days away until hopefully me heart stops painlessly in my sleep or something. i worry so much about death and after death. how can you worry about death. anyway i need to get out of the brackets now..) i diddn't even finish my thing. the last thing i feel after these two extremes is just desperately needing a hug to walk into someone to actually cry to or a situation where i can get my emotion out to people but i never can. EVER. i'v ebeen emotionally confined all my life. i've been confined in a lot of ways actually. but people need to have connection to keep living. people need to be able to have emotional connection to live and they take that for granted but i'm sure that not being able to get that is the cause of being on the mental health spectrum thing for everyone. I can't get emotional connection with anyone, it's SOO hard. maybe i can if i put the hugest amount of effort in but i havnt got anywhere near yet. i had something great to say and i forgot it. but (here it is, i dont normally remember it back)..

(metaphor) there really is no point. god has experimented with a disabled animal in a disabled body which is broken to the point of hopelessness at every exit. it nievely beilives it can escape the thick metal cage just by nibbling bit by bit. even if it was set free in the perfect life dream now it would be too late, it's body and mind is mangled and tortured and also to the point of not being able to recognise happiness and compassion. and life just feels like being whipped constantly. because that's all it is for that animal. why would god do that? well why would humans test on animals.

we're all trapped in our own probelms but most have an average amount of average problems. a few have rare problems, a few like me have extreemist amounts of normal problems. theres always going to be the fattest person in the world. if there were scales for the most socially anxious person in the world it would definately be me. imagine the future for mental health problems, you can get a brain scan as easy as stepping on the scales which shows up how much depression, anxiety and paranoia you have and what kind, and mental health loss programmes will beas common as weight loss. i'm extreemely tired from worrying about almost being properlylost. bedtime. I have had to diagnose EVERYTHING myself (every single health problem) because doctors never take me seriously. thank goodness i did.


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