I suppose the reason my depression and anxiety is getting so bad is because of my friend\'s suicide.

 

I should clarify that we weren\'t really close, so we were really more acquaintances than friends. Still, his death hit me very hard.

 

As I was sobbing to my husband tonight, I kind of fell across an unspoken feeling. And I guess I feel…. THIS SOUNDS SO STUPID… but I feel responsible. But not directly.

 

I feel like God wanted to teach me a lesson. God wanted me to realize how much it hurt to lose someone like that, and wanted to teach me what it would feel like. He also wanted me to study the Bible and go to church, and believe in Jesus. I feel like God made this happen for me. 

 

It\'s weird and selfish and egotistical, but it\'s how I feel. 

 

I miss him. When I went up to his casket, I struggled to say "See you later" instead of "Goodbye." and then I secretly added a "Thank you." because I knew that I couldn\'t ever kill myself after all the hurt I\'d felt.

 

Then I have multiple frustrations added onto the turmoil, such as struggling with reading my one-a-day bible because I started in the middle of the year, and the days are off, and I would prefer to read January 1st on January 1st. Also, my husband\'s religious beliefs, and his overwhelming fear of me believing anything different. Almost anything religion related I want to learn about, he demands to ask his dad about first. 

 

I asked him if he wanted to read the Bible with me, and he refused because apparently only his dad knows what kind of Bible is the "right" Bible. Even though the people who sold it to me, my grandmother, and her priest agreed that the version I had was a satisfactory one. 

 

The loss of Aaron is more raw in my heart than I thought. I miss him terribly. I am afraid to see him again. in heaven. I am afraid because …. I guess I\'m not ready to die. And I know it wasn\'t his time. And I\'m afraid that I\'ll get to Heaven and look around for him, and I won\'t see him. And then it won\'t matter if it\'s Heaven or not, because any Heaven that would deny him……

well. they\'d deny me, because I\'m no saint. He was by all means a saint, and a true messenger of God. And I feel so terrible that he had to die to make me listen to his message.

 

I\'m so sorry Aaron. I miss you.

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