I hate pretending to be happy! It’s like I can’t freaken’ control it anymore! I HATE PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY!!

I hate not being able to share what i really think with my friends!! A few of them came over last night, and I seemed perfectly fine so I went along with it. I couldn’t even act a little bit depressed! When all of them finally crashed around 5, I started crying because I was so frusterated and I had to go upstairs in my room for a good ten-twenty minutes so I wouldn’t wake anyone up.

What I just can’t do is act like how I feel anymore and it makes me so upset with myself. When I’m alone I have to just sit there because there’s other people just outside the room who can come in at any second and ask what’s wrong. When I’m with friends, I have to lock myself in the bathroom just to wipe the stupid smile from my face. When I’m with my boyfriend and he’s holding me in his arms, I have to close my eyes and take in a deep breath so I won’t start crying, and a good deal of the time it doesn’t even work. I lie and say I’m just so happy. I hate lying especially to him ’cause I am happy when I’m around him and I love it when he holds me close, but I still feel depressed and it frustrates me so much. I’m so freaken’ lucky to have him, but I’m at the point where I can’t control it anymore.

I don’t want to act all happy when I’m not anymore. I feel like kicking, and screaming, and everything in between, but I can’t turn the Happy-Mode off in front of others. What do I do? Do I have to run away and live in a cave before I can get this whole thing under control? Do I have to just tell myself to suck it up and just deal with it? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!

Things started going right… Why is it going down? Why do I feel these things, and how do I stop it? I don’t wanna become someone I’m not, but it’s like I already have two personas…. I’m scared of having two Saras and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I’m not turning to anyone for help so who do I have for support…