I haven't really gone into detail about what type of OCD I suffer from, but basically, I struggle with contamination fears. I haven't built up enough courage just yet to where I feel like I can share the specifics of my contamination fears, but I'm getting there. Just typing the word "contamination" used to be too much (and still tickles my nerves a bit now), but, like I say, "one day at a time." 🙂

I also suffer from other types of OCD, like checking, counting, asking (reassurance), etc., but the contamination fears are the most prominent of everything (it's also one of the most common forms of OCD that sufferers experience). My OCD is kind of a mixed bag, LOL. There's a little bit of everything. One day, my OCD might be even more internal than usual, and other days, I'll be washing my hands too many times, or for too long, for example.

So, anyway, there's this ritual that I HAVE to complete every night before I go to sleep. It's very tiring, but I always do it anyway. In my mind, I feel like if I do it, I won't become contaminated, and if I don't, I'm risking becoming contaminated. I know how irrational that is, but you guys know how this pattern goes: your brain keeps throwing up these false red flags, telling you that something is wrong, that you must fix it now now now now. Well, I was just too tired, and simply didn't feel like doing anything OCD-related. When do we ever feel like doing anything OCD-related? lol. So, I said sorry OCD, don't have time for you, and went to sleep. I really don't believe I just made this decision all by myself. I'm Christian, and am always praying for strength and healing, even a miracle (completely cured of my OCD), if it's God's will. I believe God helped me find the courage to just let go, and leave the worries in His hands. He knows I love Him, and trust Him, it's just that I'm anxious and stubborn, and need a little nudge. 🙂

And what do you know, I woke up, and I'm okay, as I knew I would be. I'm okay, the same way I was okay when I've defied my OCD in the past. It was difficult, because I was tearing up, thinking to myself, "Yes, it's been consistently proven time after time that I'll be okay if I don't do what my OCD wants me to do, but what if this one time, things turn out differently?" That's something, isn't it? Do you see how OCD tries to make you doubt yourself? It desperately searches for anything and everything it can to try and reel you in, under its control. It casts a line, hoping you'll take the bait. Don't. Until you let the anxiety surge through your body, and let it get to where you think you just can't handle it anymore, you'll never see that see that it does dissipate.

I don't know about you guys, but I was bullied in elementary school. Kids teased me, I was tripped every day on the bus, I got my ponytail tugged, etc. And sometimes, when my OCD is just really taking everything out of me, I think about those kids who bullied me, and I get angry. My OCD makes me feel the same way as those bullies did, because that's what OCD is: a bully. We need to get mad at our OCD. Like, really mad. For how it makes us feel, for what it's taken away from us. We need to get mad, and put it in its place. "Forget you, OCD! How dare you treat me the way you do."

I hope you all can find the courage to defy your OCD. Defy it right now, defy it tonight. Defy it tomorrow, defy it every day. I know you can do it. I believe in you!


1 Comment
  1. TheTallestOne 10 years ago

    Thanks Brandi for that, we all need to hear this every so often. Yes OCD is a big bully! It's interesting to note that a lot of us who have ocd were also bullied in school, I know I was a lot! We also tend to be very intelligent with a good vivid imagination and also many of us are raised in a Christian household. We also tend to be very sensitive.

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