In a restless state. I feel sooo exhausted, like there is some kind of heavy cloud that’s overwhelming me and weighing me down, making it so hard for me to do what I need to. Though, all I want to do is nothing, I’m so agitated and fidgety — Life’s too much.

Everything sucks.

I still wake up every morning feeling like I never slept at all.

I feel a panic, as well. How does anybody keep on living when they feel this way almost all the time??

I recently hurt my toe, and I’ve been limping since. I am disappointed that the marble of bruising has disappeared, wtih all my dad and my own effort rubbing it with this medicinal oil. I wanted to get better so that I continue doing the physical activities that I do, and so I can go swimming. Though the bruising has disappeared, the pain at the joint is still present. Does it make me twisted that I look at my injuries with pride? I can’t help but think that it’s either that I like inflicting pain on myself (can’t be, because I didn’t purposely injure my foot, it was acidental), or that my injuries are some kind of advertisement — some kind of cry for help. Reason: How can you express to people how you feel when it’s all mental and emotional? Nobody believes you unless they experience it themselves in one form or another, either by getting depression themselves or they experience it through the eyes.

I really need to make sure that next year that I help out with the Kid’s Help Phone. Cuz it’s actually something I feel like I can make a difference, and I know what it’s like to be in a situation of need. But would I be able to help them since I can’t help myself?

I feel like crying! But there is none, and I would be more debilitated if the waterworks came….There’s so much to do.

I keep feeling like going swimming…only I’m not sure if the arm actions and the kicking and the gliding is what’s exactly appealing to me at this very moment. I keep envisioning diving in and then just not moving, being suspended in the water. The first reason that comes to mind so that I come up after maybe 30 seconds is because I don’t want the lifeguard to come over. I remember liking this feel, even when I was in maybe grade 5. I had missed the episode of Grey’s Anatomy right before the one where it shows Meredith in the ocean and then sinking in, so I didn’t know why she just sunk down, but while watching her go, I connected with that scene, and I wondered if she just stopped kicking because she wanted to give up on life, cuz that’s what I probably would’ve done too…maybe. I often wonder if I were severely injured, would I fight to stay conscious? Or would I just give in and let go? I can’t think of anything to live for.

I wish I could just make up my mind as to whether or not I want to “go.” Why can’t I?

All day, I’ve been trying to understand my homework, but I really have been doing nothing but looking around and listening to music, periodically trying very hard to focus on my notes.

I’ve been writing a lot lately. I feel like telling my friends how I feel…but what would be the point? Why DO I want to share how I feel? Nothing they say would be able to make me feel better.

It seems to be that a lot of how I’m feeling is contradictory…I can’t seem to decide on one path/opinion.

I am…just waiting for my life to past. Watch me go.

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John Mullane from In-Flight Safety coincidentally is singing, “Cry, if you want to/ Try, if the world won’t want you/ Try, if the world won’t love you,” as if he’s saying it to me on cue.