Yesterday i had a fight with my partner. Recently i only see negative things, same yesterday. Everything he does i can turn into negative. And the anger he makes me feel. I can't control it. And then i want to leave. i have done it several times. packed few things and left. told him i would never come back and i'd rather be dead or live on the streets than continue this life. our relationship is more than failing. it is totally bad, lost, gone… my life seems so pointless. no job, not a penny in my pocket, no home of my own, no children, family is not supportive enough, i am not pretty enough, people don't appreciate me and so on… why should i live then? I stood on a bridge yesterday and looked down on trains… thinking about jumping… but i didn't want to cause anyone else trouble, which it would if i would jump infront of a train… but i don't know what i will do next time in my anger and dispair. sometimes i wish i could go to a hospital and stay there until i don't do these kind of things anymore. i am scared of myself. i haven't hurt myself yet, but i have thought about it too much. and i have ended up in a situation several times, where i almost would've done it.
the worst part is that my partner has some health issues. he fainted yesterday. and when i got home and found him, i called the ambulance when i couldn't wake him. and it has happened before. now i feel even more bad, becuase i caused it. it happened last time we argued… and i don't know what to do anymore. i don't feel any good feelings anymore. i just feel hate, anger and that i don't care about him anymore. is it ever fixable anymore?
i have nowhere to go, nothing to show for my 25 years of life. i am pointless and empty. i see no hope and i cry every time i see someone else happy. even if they don't see tears, inside i cry. and when others don't see. i have tried talking to people, but they don't show enough interest in me. they don't care. and the ones that do care, don't do anything to help me. over 2 years our relationship has been so bad. and i threaten to leave and to kill myself. and i give him time to fix things. sometimes it's few days, sometimes few weeks. altogether too long… i don't know how to help myself, that's why i wish somebody would come and do something…everything i do, fails. everything i say seems wrong. and even when i ask help from strangers, like this forum, some answers hurt and i don't want to get hurt anymore… i just can't take it all anymore.
for other people i do a smiley face. so they wouldn't be awkward or feeling sorry for me. not to mention those people who think they know what's best for me. ("you just need exercise"; "you need to get out more" etc)…. you don't know… and then i don't tell them. and put on a brave happy face.. yes everything is fine. just fine and dandy… not….
why should i stay? why should i live? i want to be good and normal again… after 9 years of depression, nobody has made me normal… i have given up…
doctors don't even listen and changing them is really hard emotionally. to go and tell another person that you are feeling that and that… i can't do this… 🙁
i just want to die, every day. or run away and hide… why do i keep coming back… why don't i just end my misery… why am i so weak…