Well, I’m back at UIW again, have been for the Spring and this semester. I really enjoy it and I’m glad to be back at the University. Over the course of the summer i have suffered broken hearts as well as had mine mended. I met and fell in love with an awesome guy who knows about my bulimia and self-inlficted scars yet he finds beauty in my flaws. I could never describe the way he makes me feel. We;ve even talked about getting married in the future and maybe even kids. The great part is that he’s been betrayed and hurt my people he loved the most (aka best friend & ex gf) like I was betrayed. Funnily enough I was betrayed shortly after they started seeing my scars and knew about my bulimia and his supposed "loved ones" walked out on him when they saw his alcoholism got worse. Luckily we found each other and I can say that is the best thing that has ever happened to me emotionally.

On the downside, I feel guilty because a few of our biggest arguments have been from me not trusting him. It’s so confusing because I want to trust him with all of my heart and I love him so much I don’t want my distrust and jealousy to drive him away although after every argument he said it could never drive him away. He’s said the only thing that would drive him away would be if I were to lie or cheat (or both) on him, both of which I have not done and probably never will do either. I feel responsible for the arguments we have and i know it’s my fault. I think the main branch my distrust is coming from is because if you knew the whole story between us you, like myself, would think he was too good to be true. I have had such bad luck with men in over a year (I know, poor me boohoo, people have been single for way longer) that I fear that sooner or later the bottom is going to drop out. It reminds me of a ilne from Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood where the mother is talking to the future son-in-law and he’s saying that it seems as if Sandra Bullock’s character Sidda is always waiting for the bottom to drop out and her mother replies "because it always did". Thats exactly how it is with me. I guess since Anthony and I got really close, not even have as close as me & Nick, though, and I (along with his family) thought that this was it, he was the one for me. But then that went to shit and I was left alone, hurt and broken. Nick has really pulled me back together in so many ways that I fear that he is just an angel on loan. He will be here just to do that job and then God’s going to take him away from me.

When I get upset (jealous) or suspicious, it feels as though an ugly demon is taking over my body and I have no control. I can’t control those feelings I get. I feel so guilty for not trusting him because my heart knows 110% that he is a great guy and would never do anything to hurt him. It feels as though I’m lying to him and to myself when I say I let him into my heart because if I really have then wouldn’t I trust him? I just don’t want to scare him away with my panicking, anxiety or jealousy. I know these are natural feelings but at what point is it that enough is enough?