So…Today is finally the surgery day (Friday, 6-1-12 and it will be at 11am), I\'ll be getting my gallbladder removed, and they will be checking my intestines to see how the damage is because of the corhn\'s disease.

I\'m not nervous at all…I\'ve been under six times already, I know no one else really cares anyway,

They\'re just acting, they can\'t trick me though. If I were to die on the table, they\'d be glad.

Truthfully, So would I. Some people would consider these \'negative\' thoughts, But to me these are normal thoughts you know? Anyway, I\'m anxious only because people are going to be looking at my disgusting and ugly fucked up body while i\'m knocked out.

I can\'t stand being looked out awake, Knowing that people will be around me asleep, makes me anxious. I probably look so disgusting and stupid when I\'m asleep/knocked out, I know they\'ll judge my body.

Sorry if it sounds stupid, but that\'s what i\'m anxious about, not the surgery it\'s self….I\'m an idiot aren\'t I?

also, what if they notice the self-harm scars? I don\'t want to have to deal with that or whatever, Ugh just to many thoughts and feelings swelling up inside of my head!

So like I said before, After all this is over I want to hide in my room, and just drown in my own problems rather then having someone else nag me about it, or pity me.

Anyway, I guess that\'s enough of my annoying rambling for now, Just a short post since Idk if i\'d be able to post after surgery, Or rather if i\'d feel like posting anyway. So, if I do wake up (which i\'m not lucky, So I will)

I\'ll update on how the surgery went and what not,Hope everyone else is doing well. My prayers are for all of you, and I\'ll talk to you soon.

2 Comments
  1. Mo 9 years ago

    I wish oyu the best with the surgery. Ive only been knocked out one but can relate to your fears and self concsciousness. For gosh sakes- we care and hope you wake up!

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  2. Chantale 9 years ago

    Good luck! I hope all goes well. Take care.

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