So continuation of the whole supervisor thing. My second supervisor returned and is still very sick. So he called and we had our talk over the phone. I told him what happened with my first supervisor and why I was very upset. In the end he gave very sound advice and I agreed with him 100%.
There was no mention of it being ok to be upset that my other suprervisor basically told me to "suck it up and get my work done" nor anything else. Basically I feel as if he was 100% neutral and tried not to get involved. Which is great and what I wanted him to do.
But why can’t I tell my first supervisor that she has been behaving out of line and some of the things she has said has been very hurtful? I mean, why do I have to be the only mature one in this situation? I’m still wakeing up at night worrying about what my first supervisor has said to me and what I should be doing to fix my mistakes and so on so forth. Does she wake up at night and worry if she’s done me wrong? I very much doubt it; as a matter of fact my second supervisor has just informed me that my first supervisor feels everything she said was good and it had a good/motivating effect on me. But it hasn’t. I want her to know that I couldn’t sleep for 3 days and had to go see my therapist about it. I want her to know that I cried for over 5 hours at a time and sometimes still am because of what she said to me. I want her to know that it was mean and uncalled for to not only imply that I’m lying, but that research isn’t important to me when in reality; research is one of the only things I have and is almost my entire life.
So; it’s been over a week since my meeting with my first supervisor and I’m still upset to the point where I cry and wake myself up at night worrying. I always say I’m doing fine but I’m not. I want to give up. I want to make her hurt for this. I want to stop crying already and just move on but I can’t for some reason.
This is now starting to effect other aspects of my life and I’m starting to doubt myself in things like my typical behaviour. I’m starting to think things like "How could my boyfriend ever really love me when I’m this horrible at the only thing I’m supposed to be good at?" I’m starting to think everyone hates me and all the kindness is just a charade to make it hurt more later on when the inevitable betrayal comes.
I’m turning back into the old me. I wanted to kill who I was. So what does that mean for me now?