When i was selecting my mood for this blog, i changed from sad, to mellow, to angry, to Don’t Know, and finally settled on Dissapointed. I wish they would have a mood called " Everything at once" and that would be a perfect fit.
I spent most of the afternoon on DT, chatting to the lovely folk and doing the normal. Nothing much of interest, but needless to say, it took away my boredom.
When I was in the middle of dinner, there was a knock at the door, talk about inconvienant.. My sister answerd, and it was my father. GREAAATTTT…. When i seen him my stomach dropped, like it always does when i’m around him. He brought presents for my sister and I. I was allowed to open it now, and it was a lovely Gucci perfume set. Its been one of the presents that i do actually like, that he has given me. It came with perfume, bath/shower gell, and body lotion. It smells very nice, my guess that my new stepmum had something to do with picking it out, as a man wouldn’t know a nice perfume if it bit him on the bum. He got my sister a Ralph Lauren perfume, which also is nice. A bit more fruitier than mine, but thats good for someone who is 13. He has always brought gifts for my sister, even though he isn’t her father, so i guess that is a nice thing to do on his part.
Anways, when he came in, i got tense. Like I just smile and act like everything is just WONDERFUL… I know he knows about my hospitalizeation and everything, but even before that things were awkward. When he sees me he always kisses and hugs me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would even go as far as saying that i hate it.
Anytime i see him, i have a flood of emotions afterwards. During the time that i’m talking to him, i try to look like the perfect daughter, that he thinks I am. I’m far from it. I’m not perfect, no one is. I don’t understand how he could think that I am.. So now i’m sitting here, feeling on the verge of tears… I just wish that my mum hadn’t lied to me. I wish i knew him from a lot earlier in my life. Its not fair. ITS NOT FAIR! if i could scream it, i would.
I wonder if we had known each other from day dot, if things would have been different? Would he have been a good father? Would him and my mother married and had more children? And yet.. there is no good dwelling on the "maybes" or "what if’s" of life right? well thats what my therapist is trying to drill into me.
I wonder if I’m a dissapointment to him? I wonder if he brags about me to his friends, or even thinks about me much. My guess not. He’d be too caught up in his own life to worry about me. If I did care about me, he would come around more often, not just on "special" occasions. I think he’s now closer to his step son and daughter, than me. I’m just this "Mistake" to him.. just the daughter that wasn’t meant to be. The dissapointment… the one that tried to kill herself… the one he didnt know until she was 10 or so.
Sometimes I wish for a closness with my mother and father. To be a perfect Brady bunch family, but i know i’ll never happen. Never.
Oh and another thing, He laughed at my present, didn’t take it seriously. I’ll have to remember to NEVER EVER make him something again. What an arse!!
Sometimes i just want to yell at him. Scream and let him know what i think of him, but i know i never will.. i’ll keep tight lipped, like i always do.
I think i want a DNA test. I have doubts that he is even my father. Maybe my mum lied about that too? maybe she felt guilty about me not having a father, so she made up this farse of a story.
Now my poor sister has to go through the same thing. Her father wants nothing to do with her, and now her aunt is now her stepmother, so thats even more complicated. What is with these guys that my mum decided to repocriate with???
Oh why do things have to be like this???
I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow, i think i might cancell in the morning. I don’t want to be having therapy on Christmas Eve.
I wish i was in america right now.. i need a hug.