I have a history of taking many different types of meds; both legal as well as street drugs. None had effectively worked, although they covered up the symptoms ….kinda.

Fast forward to the last medication I was taking: Alprazolam (xanex- generic)..I was taking anywhere between 6 and 10 Mgs. a day. I was also seeing a therapist and a psyciatrist.

I had a bad day and came home feeling very down, and I was scheduled to go away for the weekend to see family- which just added to my (negative) thoughts- concerned if my anxiety would show up then.

In my mind, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and wanted relief, so I began taking each bar of the medication @ 2 Mgs. each. It wasn't working, so I kept taking more. HONESTLY, I took a bunch of the alprazolam (10 mgs all at once) and went to sleep. (this was after taking about 8 Mgs. during the day). I was having so many thoughts running through my head prior to taking them; prodominantly, feeling like I just didn't want to deal anymore.

I was taken by an ambulance to the ER and spent 3 days in there, only to be admitted to the mental ward. I spent a week between the two departments before I was allowed to go home with a family member- ONLY because I had convinced everyone that it was an accidental overdose.

The undeniable truth is that I tried to end my suffering, and only those reading this and I (and God) knows the real truth about what had happened.

So I stopped taking alprazolam (after tapering off) and whatever medication the hospital had me on (to prevent withdrawls). I also stopped the therapy that didn't seem to be working. That was about a year ago.

Currently, I am still dealing with my anxiety and taking absolutely nothing for it. I have been suffering daily, only prevented by my lack of living outside or limiting my outdoor activities- but giving myself even more time to deal with the guilt.

As the title of this blog reads: but now what?! I am still obviously unwell.

I give great advice to others, but I can't seem to practice what I preach.

1 Comment
  1. bridgie101 5 years ago

    Well it\'s very good that you\'ve said it I reckon. Saying a thing helps you get it out of your life sometimes. 😀

    When you say guilt, what guilt is this? Maybe if you can unpack it the anxiety will go. 🙂

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