i was thrilled yesterday to buy a size 12 skirt, i am 9 stones 2.5  , i will make it to 9 and a half . i have hated being skinny, although i had to buy a size 12 skirt im still a ten in trousers? my chest has gone up a size hurraahh! it must be all the crisps, peanuts , and other delights ive been shoving  down my neck. no one understands how getting bigger makes me feel, i have dysmorphia and think that i am really skinny and ugly,{hence no photo} but im told im v pretty all of the time, a man came up to me yesterday and said that i looked like snow white,{i was dressed all in white, long skirt ect,} i actually believed that i looked ok…..usually ill just dismiss any nice comments and think that they are just winding me up.    Even though ive put on weight i still feel paranoid that im 2 thin and untill im 9 and a half stones i wont relax. Is a 36 -38 c bra size a good size ? i want to be a d cup again im just gonna keep on drinking loads of milk and eat, but sometimes my body wont let me eat and i know i have to have a bit of a veg day….oh i hate having dysmorphia…..my arms look soo thin, and i wont even start on my legs! dysmorphia is not vanity…….throughout my teenage years untill mid twenties i was with a psycho, i was an emotional mess and felt that i couldnt leave him….hed tell me that if i did hed find me and kill me and no one would ever find my body. one of the things he used to do was   to make me stand in front of the mirror and hed say <"look how ugly you are' over and over hed say other really nasty stuff 2, and id have to stand there looking at myself listening to him from half an hour uup to an hour or so. I couldnt move or answer him as id get a punch in the face or worse…. hed never let me sit down, it was terrible when i was pregnant cause my legs would really ache..i think thats how i got dysmorphia cause before he came along i remember looking in the mirror and thinking that i was pretty. he conditioned me to make me believe that no one else would ever want me, that i was v ugly, that i was lucky to have him, that without him i was nothing, that everyone hated me….that all my girlfriends had tried it on with him and that secretly they confided in him saying that i was pathetic ect.the same with any family i saw….in the end i felt that he was the only one i could trust….hed beat, starve and torture me….perhaps thats where my weight thing comes from?As a kid if my mother[i use that term loosley} ever saw me looking in a mirror shed humiliate me by telling anyone who was around how vain i was……..thats why i let my daughter stare in the mirror for hours if she wants…………..the man, monster,,[malcolm] nearly killed me and i dont know how i survived , i would never ever let myself be tortured like that again…….its taken me a long time to realise that i am a worthwile person,,,,i hope and pray that i have a good heart…..we should love one another…. 

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