I think I am finally going to speak to somebody about my depression.

Lately it’s gotten so bad I can’t deal with it alone anymore.

I’m finally ready to take a risk.

I typically play it safe, but I can’t do that here.

I’m on the brink of suicide. It could go either way. She could say she believes me and will do her best to help, or say she doesn’t believe me and say it’s just a phase.

If she does believe me, she’ll probably have to speak to my grandma, mom and dad. God, that’s the part I’m not looking forward to.

I’m going to ask this stay secret, just between the people who have to know. I’m already ashamed to be like this.

My grandma, my aunt and my parents. They are the ones I want to know.

Well, that have to know.

I don’t hate the idea of my grandma knowing, but I do hate the idea of my parents knowing.

My dad doesn’t really believe or think it’s okay to seek counseling. He believes people should tough it out. I don’t think he’d approve.

My mom, on the other hand, will probably go berserk. Fight to take me out to her place and hour away, watch over me like a god damn hawk. She’ll insist I’m better off with her and sit with me through all sessions, get angry over making her look bad, ect.

She’s one of the reasons why I quit going in the first place.

She’s not a horrid person, I just don’t think she’s fit to be a mom. Neither is my dad, really.

I just hope my aunt is supportive, not overbearing and make me feel like it isn’t worth going if it infuriates her.

I just hope this goes well. Wish me luck.

If the Lord exists, He knows I need it.