What a mess. These past couple of weeks are drawing the most disappointing year of my life to a close and at the same time making a bigger mess out of it. It always seems like I have nothing left to lose, then I fuck up and realize, oops, I did have more to lose and I just lost it!!!
I am not the only one responsilble for all this pain, mess and heartache. Other people have played their parts. But a lot of it is my fault and a lot of it is because I let them. I just don't know how to fix anything, and when I think about how bad things are for me, I realize that most people even NON mentally ill ones could not fix this fucked up messy life. So how is someone like me supposed to?
First I can't go back on etsy. I don't even want to go near there but I have to pay my final bill. I want it to just disappear. Funny enough, after all I went through making people happy and losing out in the end because of one evil woman… it turns out I might have to give back all the money I made there because of problems with my SSI. That means everything I tried to do was a WASTE of effort and time and I might as well have never sold a damn thing, just sat back and collected and been a bum. I tried to make something of myself and end up getting punished on many levels. I am worried it's going to get worse. I am worried now about law suits and losing my benefits. ALL because I wanted, for once in my life to have something. To DO something and have a small online store to be proud of. And now I feel like I'm being fucking punished for it. It's not right. It feels like 1) I am being punished because I can't handle problems emotionally and 2) I am being punished because mental people aren't allowed to have something of their own. They are only allowed to get SSI if the government feels they deserve it.
I am so scared, and worried, I wish I never opened that store, I wish I never sold anything, I didn't make much I tried hard to do something productive, the bottom line is I wanted to do something productive instead of sit and play games online or watch TV and turn into a fucking vegitable. But look at what I did, I caused all this mess and I would have been ok if I just left it alone. Never tried anthing. Just like in theater, I should have never done it. I would have never met all those people I would have never embarassed myself and failed. I would have never met Kyle.
WHY do I think I deserve a life when all I do is make a royal fucking MESS out of it?!!! I botch up everything and then try to put a band aid over it and make it worse. I am not even trying to fuck up, I just do because of my illness and because I don't just sit back and take it all up the ass. I really should just sit on my ass and be a fucking vegitable like my retarded uncle who is doped up on his meds because otherwise he will act out.
I don't know what to do? Delete my account? I guess so. I am going to have to owe the money back anyway because I couldn't manage it. I am still in a horrible social mess which started the financial one because I am always so miserable. If Kyle ever reads the letter, it will make things worse, I'm sure. But the pain on carrying it inside is devastating me to no end.