I used to have an overactive imagination, obsession with where i stepped, intrusive thoughts, etc beginning around 5th grade. In 6th grade i almost cried because i thought that i didnt feel the way i was supposed to (i felt the same)after Confirmation and began an obsession with superheroes, along with being a fat diva. 😉 7th grade i began with religious ocd, and an obsession with "modesty" and with a boy in my class. This boy obsession lasted until after 8th grade, with a bout of manic depressionaftergraduationand my parents dragging me to a shrink. I tried my hardest not to reveal anything about myself, as if that would get me out of there. Freshman year of high school, first day I have a panic attack because i can't figure out how to use my lock after being shown how to half a dozen times. I also become addicted to facebook until my parents have to close my account. I was again dragged off to a therapist, this time because of anorexia, to be diagnosed with ocd. I fell into an antisocial despair, along with cutting and a fear of taking sides… i stopped going after 2-3 months when i threatened suicide if it continued- i was an immature, ungrateful child. This year i vowed to do my best and to avoid those ruts. I still have guilt for the way i've been, and i know i'm selfish. I've never held a successful relationship, and sometimes i think that i'm "questioning". i'm an atheist now and that's definitely helped me a lot, i'mstill shy abouttrusting myself though. I don't want to be tied downby anything, and i certainly don't want to be a mom. i follow a semi-strict schedule to stay in shape and keep my grades up. but whenwe go on uneventful family vacations, i have "trouble" adjusting.. I don't want ocd treatment to take away the progress ive made, and i'm afraid of being controlled by meds or going beserk when i go off them. I don't know what to do, but i don't want to hurt anyone- i squeezed my infant brother's wrist really hardin his bassinet when we were alonewhen i was in 3rd grade because he wouldn't stop screaming, and when he was atoddleri whacked him with a towel, giving him a scratchmark,and for years after that ihad nightmares about hurting him. Which is one of the manyreasons i'm not going to have kids- off topic i know, but its important. I don't know what to do. I want to be right, but not controlled.