Have you ever gone through a period where you just don’t feel like talking about anything? It feels all I do is talk about my feelings, but does anyone ever really listen, does anyone ever really care? I have been thinking back about how much I have opened up to people, family, friend and some I don’t’ even really know. How much has it really helped to talk? 
 
In the course of my day I have no one to really talk to at home. Yeah, I can call some friends and my family and talk to them, but for how long until they get tired of hearing my story or how I’m doing. It seems for me things get better with my anxiety and depression and I feel great. However, there is that little part of me that fears driving so it keeps me where I’m at, home. I’m starting to resent my home and the neighborhood I live in. Sometimes I feel if I could just move maybe things would change, maybe my life would be better, maybe my anxiety would be better. I live out in the country, mainly wooded area and I’m not that close to town, maybe if I lived closer I could get out more, go shopping, go get a hamburger or even a cup of coffee and watch the world go by. All I have is 3 big windows I look out my living from and all I see is pasture, cows and farm animals. I see no one, no one to talk to, and no one to watch.
 
I don’t like my life right now. I don’t like the way it has turned out. I went to college and have a degree, I was a police officer for 16 years, and I have done so many things in my life. Why am I still here, why am I still looking out these windows? There is so much more to life than the life I live now. Why can’t I seem to tap into it, why does it seem so hard to get up in the morning and look forward to my day? It’s these 3 windows I look out, I know that’s all I got when I come downstairs and open the blinds. This is all I have and this is all I will have. 
 
I don’t give up easily, but I’m starting to lose hope in the life I want to live. I set to high of expectations for myself and my life, only to be let down. I guess I need to look at things the way they are, the 3 windows.
1 Comment
  1. maggie 13 years ago

    Isolation makes everything worse. You get no outside stimulation so you are left alone with all your thoughts.

    Have you tried counseling……..it worked wonders for me. At the very least I had an hour to vent my feelings and fears and someone had to listen. They were not personally close to me so I could say what I wanted.

    I had to set small goals for myself and follow through with them even if the anxiety level was sky high. Maybe your wife would go with you for a drive so you can get out of the house.

    Sometimes family and friends appear that they do not care because they have no idea what to do to help. I am sure they do care and want the very best for you.

    I care and I understand.

    Hang in there. Hugs…………..

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