so today the person that usually chairs our small meeting on campus asked me before the meeting started to consider something he was about to ask me, and of course i'm thinking "oh, God this creepy old guy is gonna hit on me" (even though i know he's happily married and logically i know he wouldn't) ….but he asked me if i would be willing to be a sub-chair for the future meetings since i have more than 90 days ( i'm at 101 days clean and sober today), particularly the next two weeks and I was like hell yea i will, i'd love to. So he handed me the keys and told me what to do and shit, but since i've been going there for a month now consistently i already know the basis of what i need to do and say for the others at the meeting…..i'm becoming happier in my life (sobriety wise) and i honestly think that this program is amazing because it's not just about the dope, it's about me and changing me to a person i can stand and eventually love outside of my drugs…..my eating disorder is out of hand right now and i'm dealing with it, but NA has ironically started to really help me in that too……

this was amazing to me, not only am i becoming active like i should to carry on the 12 traditions, but i was trusted with not just keys but keys to a church and money and all this other shit…and the safety of the meetings i chair.

hmm…interesting indeed, it's a weird thing to be trusted again when i'm so used to people doubting me, or conveniently showing up because they forgot something the other day, or whatever the excuses are to cover their fears of me being in control of certain things….

two days ago i ran across an old stash by accident, i was digging for winter clothes and in one of my high phases i must have stored it away expecting to be happy when i found it…well i wasn't happy, i was scared shitless….i put dirty clothes on and left. I didn't ahve ot be on campus until 8 and i was there at 7:15…..there was an eightball of coke, a rig and a blade and for the first time in my life, i ran from drugs…..that wasn't me, that wasn't my human and it sure the hell was not my addiction….but a spiritual help that made me flee….and i've had bad dreams since that day but i'm still clean and so grateful. I had numerous addicts with almost 20 years of sobriety say they aren't sure they could have done that, and i just tell them it wasn't me….God took me out of that, he scared the shit out of me, he reminded me of how much i had to loose with school and church and friends and sobriety and my emotional and spiritual well-being. Even though i'm dying on the inside from this stupid eating disorder, i'm so ALIVE in my sobriety…..one day, i will just be happy and that day can't be too far away because i dont know how much better it can get than running from the one that i love so much, that loved me back, that took my pain and anger and self hatred away…..it's amazing and s ended up coming to meet me after we both got off work and helped me take care of the problem because the addict in me starting talking myself out of getting rid of it…..but God i have amazing friends, i have the most amazing support team ever……i told my sponsor about it when she came to pick me up and her jaw hit the ground, she was so proud and now that i'm looking back on it, i am too!!

i can't wait to share this with eva and s and debbie as well……this is huge and exciting and great….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
our daily reflection today was this:

November 18, 2008
Self-discovery
Page 336

"The Tenth Step can help us correct our living problems and prevent their recurrence."

Basic Text p. 41

Our identities, how we think and feel, have been shaped by our experiences. Some of our experiences have made us better people; others have caused us shame or embarrassment; all of them have influenced who we are today. We can take advantage of the knowledge gained in examining our mistakes, using this wisdom to guide the decisions we'll make today.

Acceptance of ourselves means accepting all aspects of ourselves-our assets, our defects, our successes, and our failures. Shame and guilt left unaddressed can paralyze us, preventing us from moving forward in our lives. Some of the most meaningful amends we can make for the mistakes of our past are made simply by acting differently today. We strive for improvement and measure our success by comparing who we used to be with who we are now.

Being human, we will continue making mistakes; however, we need not make the same ones over and over again. By looking over our past and realizing that we have changed and grown, we'll find hope for the future. The best is yet to come.

Just for Today: I will do the best I can with what I have today. Each day I'll learn something new that will help me tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i don't accept a lot about myself, but i accept my sobriety and i'm starting to identify myself outside of my addiction (whether active or not) and it's great…it's a new feeling and maybe i can transfer this over to my other struggles somehow…..i just love my tat's right now, they just remind me everyday all day to just hang in there and keep my chin up because it's gonna be okay, just go one day at a time…as corny as that shit is, it's just the truth man…just the truth…

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