I judge myself every day, every night, every moment.
I always find myself defecient & inferior.
I do what i'm supposed to, i take my meds, i talk to my therapist, i see the doctor far too often. What is the point? I haven't improved, i seem to be going well at some periods in my life but then it all crashes & falls apart, again.
And i am left disappointing everyone, again.
I'm trying to figure out what the best course of action is, to continue to battle against the beast inside or give in & release the demons i try to keep at bay.
The logical part of my brain tells me to fight, that one day things may be better, i may have something to live for other than the fear of not existing.
If the life i live can be called existence.
The beast begs to be let loose, to be allowed to revel in violence & pain to drown out the emptiness and sorrow inside, to pound my feelings away with my fists and to feel myself become alive inside when the adrenaline is rushing through my veins and i feel invincible as my foes perish before me, to drown the world in a sea of blood and sail in to the sunset on a raft of corpses.
I try hard to be quiet in public so as to not allow the beast inside to slip its bonds & punish those i deem deserving. I can feel the rage build in my chest, my ribs become tight, my heart pounds, my jaw clenches and normally this doesn't fade until pain has been inflicted, on myself or anyone who can't see the evil inside fighting to get out.
My hands are ruined because of my stupidity & failures in restraining what i see as the Real Me, an angry, lonely, scared individual that lashes out and hurts those who love him the most. Hard to believe i still get any love after the atrocities i have committed in the past.
I used to cut and burn to keep the evil inside but this is frowned upon more than beating the hell out of someone/thing for some reason. I don't know why i feel so screwed up in my head, there are no real thoughts, just emptiness & sorrow that gives way to rage & anger over time until it breaks free, lashes out & then retreats to allow me to deal with the consequences.
I quite often think the best thing for me would be to go to prison. No shortage of outlets for my rage in there, coupled with, i'd imagine, less remorse for hurting convicted criminals. I don't doubt i myself would be hurt too, or possibly killed even, but pain can bring me to life sometimes the way not a lot of other things have managed to.
The one thing i give thanks to the beast inside for is my awareness of it, i realised at a young age i got angrier than most & retaliated more brutally than others when the rage takes hold. Due to this i realised very early on that drugs which left me out of control of my actions could quite easily lead me to seriously maiming or killing someone, therefor i was never tempted to follow the path of pills, powders & syringes to try to feel something.
Instead i turned to alcohol, which almost had the same consequences before i realised not to drink with strangers or to drink hard spirits by the bottle, which is hard not to do with the fact that being drunk is socially acceptable, far more so than being angry with the world.
I mentioned before the Real Me was angry, lonely & scared. Lonely, because i can't allow people close to me, they cause too much pain. If i don't let people close they can't hurt me through ignorance or malice. Still lonely because i can remember the closeness of a human body next to mine in bed & pillows make for cold comfort when you can't sleep and just want to feel another human life close by. Scared because i know the loneliness MUST continue if i am to stop myself being hurt more by others & i know this leads to madness & an even worse existence than now. And angry because i lack the willpower to control myself & become the author in the story of my life, instead of just a piece of scenery in the back drop.
I don't know what else to say, i want to watch the world burn and dance through the ashes, i want to get married and have children, i want to live alone & scrape a living off the land, i want to contribute to society instead of being another human parasite. In all these conflicting desires there must be a middle ground to be found, or something will eventually break.
Sadly i have no faith in a higher being or purpose, it would be much easier if i believed in a deity i could pray to, confide in & draw strength from but my mind doesn't allow this.
Don't know what else to say, i need to go up town, i want to buy smokes, i need a note pad and some pencils because the desire to scribble is upon me but i know the beast is lurking just below the surface at the moment so i must wait until he has quietened before i venture in to society……..