So the I guess since I just discoved this site and I’m exploreing and really likeing the idea of it. I guess for anyone that takes the time to read my profile and what whatever. The frist journal entery should have some more back ground about things that I touched on in my main bio…..
Like I said I do actively S/I and have done so since I was about 13. This is my biggest problom and the one that I have been working the hardest on for alittle over the past year now. Ever since I had the biggest break down of my life, where I spent the part of last year and this in and out of in pacent hospital stays as well as out pacent. The reson that it is the biggest problom for me is becuse I fall back on it and use it mask everything. S/I as just as much vaule as my ciggertt smokeing habbit. Up till about 5 to 8 years ago there where hard drugs thrown into the mix but since I mastered leaveing them alone S/I as becuse my soul safety blanket. My copeing skills just flat out suck so if I am stressed or upset I reach for a ciggertt and my tools then run into the darkest lonelest place I can find and take out every thought, feeling, pain, whatever out on myself. Theres always a vocie in my heart that that tells me I desiver every bit of it. If I mange to stay away from it for while I will have a need to see the lines on my arms or legs. My biggest triggers are when I get so numb and run down that I want to o/d and just give up I have to do something to stay alive and it the lesser of two evils for me, or when I am going thru something that gives me mental pain I can make scents of it unless I can see it phyicaly on my body- that is when it make scents to me why I am hurting.I know that yes I will feel like crap when I clam down but I also know that I will still be alive too so S/I is my life line. Like i said there times I want to give up S/I just like I gave up drugs but when it comes to S?I I can’t see my life w/ out it. It is the scarryest thing I could ever think of to be alive and un able to hurt myself. Even thoe I’d like to stop and never do it agin. I’m not ready to live w/ out and dont know if I ever will. I guess becuse I’ve done it for so long I dont see anything wrong w/ it. I know the risks and I normaly go to great links to care for my wounds after the fact as well as my tools that none of the getting infectoins or whatever scare me and cutting to deep or hitting an artey dosnt phaze me eather and I never cared what anyone thought of me anyways so who cares if anyone finds out and what they think. It’s a very weird postoin I’ve found myself in w/ it becuse I’d like to not have to turn to S/I but on the other hand I dont register the down sides of as resons not to.