At times, I like to think my mind wanders like the sounds of a piano when you first begin to touch a few keys to find the right notes. Some sounds are mellow or peaceful and sometimes the sounds can get tense and climatic. When listening to piano music, I tend to lose myself with the sounds of the tone. Feeling the same intensity of each note being represented. The only problem is trying to keep the rhythm going and prevent it from going out of place. The piano song cover version of Runaway or Heart-Shaped Box played by Ramin Djawadi really touches me because the way the sounds of the piano just relates to the ups and downs my mind tends to feel as each note gets either higher or lower. It’s calm and goes with the flow but then all the sudden the climatic part of the song comes and that’s when the anxiety starts to kick in and I lose self-control. It kind of reminds me how Ellen Page’s character Vanya Hargreeves from The Umbrella Academy feels with holding all to those emotions being triggered and just wanting to burst with energy and let it all out. Just aching to be free of all the pain. Sometimes it feels like I’m being conducted rather than composing my own music and it sucks when your just not in control but I fight like hell to break the strings that keep holding me down despite all the weight that is put into my mind. Ironically I’m trying to push myself to learn how to play the piano not to just keep my mind distracted with all the anxiety and depression but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I just think piano is such a beautiful instrument. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I don’t want to be conducted anymore by my anxiety or depression anymore. I want to be able to compose my own rhythm at my pace rather than by some inevitable force conducting me.
I just hope that whoever reads this is able to understand or be able to relate to it as well.