My father died on May 9th, 2014. We were not very close but he started to try again with me recently this past November. He gave me a claddagh ring and a rosary. He seemed to be changing and he cried when he saw me and wanted to have a relationship. I have been mad at him on and off my whole life because he would insist on getting closer to me and soon after letting him in, the alcohol would claim him again. He moved close in December after living in Pennsylvania for years. I oly saw him once since he moved back and he had only been in the hospital for a little over a week. They said he had liver disease but there was possibility of treatment. The day we found out he had advanced liver,stomach,kidney cancer along with the liver disease, was the last time I saw him and he died that night. He was on a morphine drip when I got to the hospital and I was the only one he woke up for. He looke at me smile and said hi. Before I left that night I made sure to kiss his forehead and say "love you", for the first time since I was little. The wake was held in my grandmas house. I was disturbed at first but then I was okay because he looked better in the casket than he did in the hospital and I needed the privacy. I am uncomfortable because none of his family know much about our relationship and the shock and suddenness of it hit me like a brick. I knew id be bothered, but I have sunk back into an actual depression. I have always had recurrent major depression but I didnt think, after everything Ive gone through in the past two years, that this would throw me back into it. But here I am. I feel surrounded by death. I had gone to two other wakes before his within the weeks before his death. I sleep more than I am awake and I dont know how to live. I have a hard time cleaning or feeding myself or getting myself to get out of pajamas. I dont know how I am going to go through this again. There's only so long I can go on disability for week and I dont want to increase my pills. It seems to never end.