Thank God for the rain! It's dropped the temperature to 80 here, which I can live with and enjoy. I'm having fun watching our birds take baths in their water bowls~ they look ridiculous when they're wet! But it's still adorable.

I overslept again this morning, but again managed to get Zachary to school on time; just barely though. I don't know what to do about it~ I've tried setting 2 different alarm clocks at the same time, having my husband call me when I need to get up, even asking my Mom to help by coming downstairs and making sure I'm up and moving by 6:30 a.m. But none of it seems to be helping. I've even moved the time I'm taking my evenings medications back to 7 p.m., specifically the Klonopin, which makes me tired and kind of out of it. Anyone have any other suggestions I might try?

Well, I ended up cancelling my CT scan for tomorrow. I talked to the lady that does pre-registration and even with insurance I was expected to pay $500.00 out of pocket! Sorry~ don't have that kind of money to waste on a test that might show absolutely zilch. I'm going to ask my primary doctor to go ahead and send me to a specialist (because that's where I'll end up anyhow). I disagree with her approach of, "let's do all these tests to make sure this is what ISN'T the problem". A specialist usually says, "based upon your symptoms I think THIS is what the issue is, so let's do THIS test to make sure". My husband thinks our primary physician is trying to pad the bill for her office by having me do all these tests so I'll have to keep coming back for office visits. I never thought she was that way, but maybe things have changed.

My Mom is home from work today, and she wanted me to go out shopping with her at several clothing stores, but I just didn't feel up to it. I'm tired and still somewhat down, and I'm still tackling the downstairs mess, trying to get rid of everything we don't need or use. I've already got 4 trashbags full of clothes that we never wear or Zachary has outgrown that are going to become donations. And there's STILL more! It's amazing how much stuff you can acquire over a year or two. I've found that I prefer living simply and having open space…then my living space doesn't make me feel anxious or closed in so much. It really helps my peace of mind. But until the mess is cleaned up completely, I am going to be nuts myself.

I think I might take a nap for awhile. I'm still really tired and I'm not sure why that is. And the rain and grey sky make me sleepy as well. I think I'm going to make myself a cup of Chai tea with honey and milk, do a little bit more cleaning this morning, and then take a nice quiet nap for an hour or so on the living room couch. I bet I'll be asleep in no time.

On a completely different note; I'm having a lot of very vivid dreams lately. Mostly nightmares where loss is a theme. The other day I had one where I saw my Dad but he turned ugly on me and refused to accept anything I had to say, even that I loved him~ and suddenly he turned into a dirty paper plate being carried away from me by the wind. There was no hope of catching him, the wind was blowing too hard and he was too far ahead of me. The paper plate that was my father disappeared out of my sight, and I knew he was gone from me forever. I felt so bereft when I woke up, even though I knew it was only a dream. That feeling stayed with me for most of the day.

My dreams are mostly about loss or anxiety of being naked in front of people (I think that while the dream is literal, me trying desperately to hold on to some shred of clothing to cover myself~ it has a lot to do with being naked emotionally and vulnerable to the outside world wherepeople judge me for my illness and differences). I find it really difficult that I wake up most mornings with those feelings as my companions~ it makes it very hard to be hopeful and grateful about having another day to be alive. I guess I need to talk to Darcy about these dreams today when I see her.

Does anybody else have dreams like these? Maybe they're linked with the depression or the medications?

1 Comment
  1. tcsoprano 11 years ago

    I have extremely vivid dreams- to the point that people don't believe me when I explain them. It's been that way my whole life. The naked dream you're describing is said to mean exactly what you're saying it does, I have them too! Sometimes I wish I could just have dreamless sleep…(though I should just be happy I can sleep after all the trouble I was having with I hope you start feeling better soon key. – t <3

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