Its hard to explain the feeling. I know it irrational, how i feel, and i know i need to stop worrying because its not good for me. But i cant help it the thoughts swirl around my mind and suffocate me, telling me over and over how much i have messed up, how much of a disappointment I am, how i ma never going to find someone who loves me.
As the thoughts swirl around my mind. I slowly start to isolate myself. I stop hanging out with friends, i don’t text anyone first. ever. I’ve always like being alone, being a book nerd and an introvert, space is a thing I’ve always loved. But I’m starting to feel like the invisible man from the book by H.G.Wells. Sans the eventual psychotic behaviour, I feel invisible and so so alone.
By nature and instinct humans are pack animals. We thrive in society and feel stronger in numbers. That’s why people feel so sad when they haven’t talked to anyone in a while, because it goes our instincts to isolate ourselves. And just like the invisble man, if we isolate ourselves no one sees, no one can care for us because we hold everyone at arms length because we convince ourselves – I convince myself- that if i let them come close to me if i let myself care for them then it will hurt so much more when they see my true colours. When they realise the bright smile is just a façade and I am more broken than they could ever imagine. when they see how much torment i am really in they will try to solve the puzzle because i intrigue them. I am the sad girl who always seems so happy. But eventually like the many who i let come before them, they will give up because they realise they do not have all the pieces of the puzzle. So what’s the point in trying to solve a puzzle if you cant be bothered to try a find the missing piece.
People say we make mistakes so that we can learn from them. But what happens when the mistake you make was letting someone into your life, just for them to walk back out again? You learn from the mistake and make sure that no one can come closer than arms length again.
Its kind of like dogs. When dogs know they are going to die then go somewhere quiet and isolated to die alone. I think that we kind of do that. When we realise that we are broken and no one can fix us, we push people away. Partly to protect ourselves from the people around us but also to protect those around us from ourselves. People with physical illnesses do this to, its just easier to see. Its like in “The fault in our stars” by John Green. Hazel pushes away her family and friends and isolates herself because she knows that one day she will die and she wants to minimise the causalities.
“I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and i would like minimise the causalities”
Just like Hazel I think a lot of us (or at least me) feel like this. we don’t want our families and friends to see us become shells of the people we used to be. we don’t want our friends to watch us and the bags under our eyes become darker and we start talking less. We don’t want our friends to see us like this because we wouldn’t want to see them or anyone we care about like this.
I often think that i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy because no one deserves this feeling. But while pushing away everyone we miss the part where our true friends and family want to help that those who truly care, don’t care if they if they are a causality in the explosion that is you. They just want to try and stop the explosion and show you that you are no alone.
Unfortunately, many of us miss when our loved ones care for us and we just see the people who hurt us. this may be part of the feeling of the anxiety of “what ifs” and “buts” or it just be us thinking we learn from our mistakes. Either way, the feeling is a sad and lonely and life destroying thing. It takes away who we used to be a leaves us as isolated shells.
If you take anything from this blog post, overlooking my rambling and use of book quotes, please remember that you are loved and so many people would miss you if you exploded. There would be one less angel on this earth and so many people would be worse off without the shinning angel in their lives. i may be a hypocrite for telling you this considering i don’t believe it myself but please remember that you are always loved.