I want to first say thank you to all of the responses I got to my early morning blog…it made me feel good to know that there are people out there who DO understand- completely. Smile
It gives me strength to know that even though I don’t find the support at home that I need so badly at times, there are people who are more than willing to be a shoulder.
Amazingly this morning, after I posted that blog my husband got up for work and asked (irritatedly) why I wasn’t asleep. I kind of looked at him poisonously and said, “don’t you think I’d BE ASLEEP if I could?! I FEEL HORRIBLE!”.
He rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything, except that ‘maybe I should attempt to leave the house today’.
Oh, if looks could kill. Lemme tell ya.
For a whole week I’ve had a fever of 100 or more, the chills, aching joints and burning skin, coughing, sore throat, exhaustion and weakness…and that whole time I was looking after our son, who was also sick.
He never even offered to stay home from work (because he’s on 6 months of probation since he just started the job) or to see if he could do anything for me- just suggested by his comment that my “Flu” was all in my head.
I finally made the comment that I never knew that depression caused fevers and could be contagious like a cold virus.
He pecked me on the lips and said bye and love you and all that b.s.
I’m so glad he’s out at his little brother’s H.S. football game tonight. I’d rather be alone and sick and take care of our son than have to feel like this and listen to the sarcasm and feel badly about myself as well.
There was a time in my life -before the illness became full blown- that I loved to be alone, that it didn’t frighten me or leave me at the edge of the abyss. I could spend hours reading, practicing violin or singing, hanging out and just listening to music, or doing some sort of art project. Now I find myself almost panicking if I’m alone with my thoughts…why I can’t practice or do those sorts of things is beyond me, but it has something to do with ‘corrupting’ my gifts with my illness; as if there’s a part of me that is untouched by illness and the rest is pestilent with it.
Tonight though, it feels good to be alone. Smile It feels like I’m regaining part of myself, part of my individuality and health and sanity.
And I’m feeling better physically; yaaay! After 8 days I think it’s finally going to let go of me.
Phew! I was afraid it would last forever maybe.
I talk too much. Sooo- that’s it from here tonight.
Take care, and Namaste’
(this is how I feel when I’m alone with my thoughts…)Cry
1 Comment
  1. angels5888 14 years ago

    wow that picture says it all that isreally scary, i know the feeling you have now about being alone with your husban gone for the evening, b/4 my divorce, i just felt dread when i heard him pull up in the drive way, like did i forget to do something or what is it going to be now i never knew what to expect, i dont know if you r getting that feeling now , and when i was actually very sick i felt guilty b/cuz i was sick which of course made it last longer b/cus stress just lowers you resistance even more and if u can believe this i had major surgery for my gall bladder, i guess i want suposed to rest and recover i was in the hosp.about a month off work 6mos. and boy do i rememeber the rolling eyes, the look of what i called disgust, , and of your always sick, like that was my goal in life , iwas just so happy to be in pain and sick, what an idiot, well i not married any more , and my dr. told me after i finally had my own place, he notice a big difference, and that i looked happier, and you know what i was, i didnt have to exolain my self to any body or worry if i got up in the middle of the nite etc., etc. my heart goes out to you and it brought back all those feeling i had, and should never forget, b/cuz i wont let any body make me feel like that again, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a war of the words ,to support each other no matter what, maybe i was just a romantic, i dont know, but i do know it shouldnt feel like that, sooo glad you r starting to feel better i love that feeling, and im happy for u for that, , ill keeep u in my prayers take care    

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