This evening my brain feels like goo. Goo I tells you. Why?


1. I am moving to university. So I suppose, with only a matter of weeks to go until this grand move happens, I'm bound to be a little stressed. (About money, buying books and signing rent contracts for the first time ever) I suppose. But then,

2. Someone I work with had to make some important phone calls. Phone calls which would freak anyone out (involving phoning the government). And he chose to take all his stress out on me, which made me stress. (Vicious circle, hmm??) Luckily this other guy was there who was able to calm us both down. Crisis resolution eh? I went into work and brought a pepsi off the first guy and made small talk. I'm not sure if my peace offering worked. We'll have to see. But he seemed to appreciate it (I think).

3. When I'm not working, which is quite often at the moment, I volunteer. There's this guy where I volunteer who has problems of his own. Without going into it. But he has a history of violence (he admitted to this). And mental health issues. Anyhoo, recently his mental health issues flared up, which has kept him away from volunteering . And today he came back to volunteering and you could tell that he was having problems. With his problems. And I kind of worry about him. A bit because he's a good friend, like…really good friend and a bit because I don't entirely know what will set him off (which is a bad thing because last time a wall was broken (i.e smashed through with a hockey stick) when he was set off).

4. I failed my karate exam. Which I worked towards for a year. And I knew I failed. Which sucked ass. I have the retake on monday.

5. Holiday planning is stressful. My family keep going on about how it is the first time that I will be away from them during the holiday, without paying any attention to the fact that I will be moving away from home after these holidays and it might actually be a positive thing ( I made myself sign a piece of paper saying that I wouldn't do anything stupid ). They just care about how it makes them seem to all the people that live abroad that they're visiting. I want to learn to surf in this holiday and I have a friend who has agreed to it (providing I find us an affordable deal, and we go at the beginning of august) which means more financial planning (which I can do – like I have the money if I budget well) but its being inhibited by the fact that they keep going on about this holiday. But at the same time, our family holidays which involve a 6 day car road trip often make me anxious. But I stop doing stuff when people keep going on about it. ( which is how it all went down at work) and when people let me be, I use my own initiative (because I chill out) aaaaand I do awesome stuff – like sell all the leaflets. So, they need to stop going on about it. Or I need to learn to stop being led astray. But I don't know how :L

Enough moaning now. 6 – 10 are going to be positive.

6. I have sleeping schedule (I have consistently been waking up around 8am this week). This is an achievement. I am impressed. Hence why my mood says impressed.

7. I am blogging instead of sleeping too much. This is an achievement.

8. I have done rather a lot in a gap year which I decided on 12 days before I was meant to go off to university. Whether I go to college because it all falls through or I actually make it to uni, this will always be the year that I beat the recession twice (working two jobs, sometimes at the same time), learnt turkish by number, worked with an army major, fought mental illness using my imagination ( you have to know me irl for that to make sense), ran a karate tournament area all by myself, went to Slovakia and realised the world is so much more than the little area that I have visited, remembered what made me so scared of everything (I forgot it for nigh on 16 years, so remembering it is one gigantor leap forward), made friends with people from 18 different countries – including a priest from Azerbijan, and a chef from Spain (who helped me at work the other day), realised what I think I want to do in life. In so many ways, I haven't done some of the things I set out to do in this year but, the things I set out to do were dictated by myths set upon me by the school I went to, qualified as a teacher, learnt the rudimentary basics of driving a car and I think grown a little bit of perspective. Also learnt to cook.

9. I launched a sexual harassment complaint. All on my very lonesome. And it worked.

10. Whilst I'm still depressed, its not the same. Like, I read all of the things above and I kind of realised, yeah sure it hasn't always been easy and I've had to confront some pretty scary things about myself in this year, but as university comes along I feel like…this is right. Like I've learnt what I can from the place I live in and it is time to tie everything up (or most things) and move on and try my utmost to become an adult. Because, the future, in the words of Dr Who 'Time can be Rewritten.' If you feel alone you won't feel alone forever, I have some pretty good friends, sure my family sucks but I have chosen my own family. And they rock.

It's like everything that didn't happen whilst I was cosseted away at school has started happening now.


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