It amazes me how our minds work with this…this thing I have …lets just say depression and bi-polar.

I can go a week with joy and happiness..smiles.. and have a lightness about me then one day I wake up and there it is. That "blackness" that over whelming anxiety, depression beyond words. And all because I woke thinking how I haven't seen my siblings nor even talk to them in ten years. The question is why? Truth is they don't understand what is wrong with me and don't care. Would they call me ….never…come by and see me…never. Like I am a leper and if they have anything to do with me they may have to give something. Like love, or emotions…maybe they would have to talk to me and being crazy what is there to talk about with someone like that.

Not like I don't have a life they could ask me about …how am I doing . We care. What have you been up to lately? Hey come visit sometime.

This depression is like a stigma that no one wants.They think that they are normal and wouldn't want to become involved in any part of it . We may have to care about her. Such a small world view on the mental health crisis we have in this world. But family? Isn't family suppose to care?

I get lonely for them. I want to know about their lives. ( I have three siblings). Their kids lives.

When I am on my death bed is that when they will come around to say good bye. Isn't it to late? When I was vibrant, young alive with life they could of enjoyed me experienced sharing daily experiences.

Why do people wait till its to late to think they need to show support? When one is dying. Maybe I should have the additude that it is their loss. So many years I am not sure I would even know who they were on the street. Shameful, hurtful, depressing, makes me feel like I am nobody. I never talk about my down days .never share what may seem weird to them . So what's the excuse? God it is so hurtful. And the question is have you talked to them about it. Of course….deaf mute.

What's worst is my kids stay the distance. Is this "depression" stuff just to much for others to handle? I am at odds with so many questions on why.

What makes them any better in the scope of things…….family is important to me maybe why I am so depressed over this feeling I had when I woke. Now my day is shot..bummer. What a life …