After being well for so long,having been on holiday to Germany and having such a good time,over the last two days i realised that the monster had caught up with me and that i will never get rid of the monster,the anxiety ,the feelings of total dread,the low self esteem,the thought of having to face another day to just get through the day is such a effort is it all worth it ,why does my brain suddenly turn on me ,what causes my brain to crash just like that,a lot is due to my early life of abuse when i was a child.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up to no more pain no more worry, no more days like today,no more feelings ,no more despair,no more trying to be liked,no more anything,just like the noise that you hear when a support machine gets switched off just that warm feeling you get just before you know you wont come back and there is no worry left nothing to explain ,its just a void a warm tender void so serene,so final,and there is no turning back .

I had ,had enough of the way i felt and at 8  30 this morning rang the doc and got an appointment for 5 45 today,and told her everything ,what else could i do ,do i want those bastered people who abused me as a child win,no way the fu'k with them they are not going to ruin what i have left of this life ,the doc has put me on 20 mgs of citalopram and want s an update every day .

So what i am back on the old anti ds after 2 years of being off them ,and it is no shame ,the localpsycho hospital was staggered to hear i was off meds ,i dont have to do this on my own ,i have lots of friends on this site and elsewhere who i trust and lean on for support ,and I AM A SURVIVOR ,TAKE CARE