I really don’t enjoy feeling like this. I don’t enjoy that at 10am I have a meeting with a client to go over their order and I am terrified I will have to touch his hand. I can’t stop crying and that really looks great when you have mascara running down your face. I don’t want to leave my apartment. I want to call in and tell them I’m sick or some family emergency has occurred. I want to lie my way back into bed so I can cry in peace till I fall asleep. I’m not going to of course because I need money and deep down I realize if I do that I will continue this behavior till I never leave my apartment.

In my life there is no place on earth I feel more anxious or exhibit more OCD behavior then at work. Part of this is the way the business is run and part of it is my belief that everything that does go wrong is my fault. And when it is legitimately my fault I freak out even worse. I spend the entire day tapping my desk, or doors, or cubicles and I feel exhausted by the end of the day. When I try to stop them I begin to cry and while it has gone unnoticed so far won’t forever. It has gotten somewhat better since I have talked to my boss more about my OCD and the problems I am having at work but I can slowly see it sliding back to the way it was before. This is because she is “the kind of boss who lets people do what they want.” Those were her words not mine and that isn’t a boss, hell that isn’t even being a proper babysitter. That is just a person getting paid to sit there and cop-out of helping people do their job because surfing the internet and making racial and homophobic comments seems like a better use of her time.

I realize that if I don’t like the situation that I should speak up, which I did, or find another job. The problem is even though there is this one person that drives me up the wall and is a huge cause of my tapping so much she is just that one person. I have worked in so many places in which there are more then one if not everyone who exhibits these behaviors. I know that wherever I go in this world for a job I will always have one person like her in my life who drives me crazy. I also realize that this is a great opportunity. I know it doesn’t seem like one but it is because she exacerbates my OCD by blaming me, and everyone around me, for her shortcomings. I feel guilty all the time for things I know I am not responsible for on top of things she blames on me. My theory is if I can deal with her, here and now, then possibly when I have that skill I can move on to another job because deep down inside even though I love some of the people I work with and what I do this isn’t where I want to end up 20 years down the road. It’s secure and it has benefits which will afford me to some day save up enough money to buy a house and live the American Dream. But it’s not my dream and never was. Still not sure what my dream is but I know it doesn’t involve what I am doing right now. I will learn what I can here and use the health insurance to work through my OCD. Then I will figure out my end game.