The last two days were good. I had alot going on but i managed and coped well and even enjoyed them! I did the 2 days volunteer work in the youth center and i really loved it so much. The young people in the group i was with were aged between 9-13. There inspirational. They made me feel so happy to be in their company. The all come from all sorts of backgrounds, its hard to know what kind of life they have at home etc and i suppose it isnt really my business -unless they want to share that information with me… but there all great in their own way and its made me feel so much more positive about my Youth action worker course, becsause to be honest i wasnt sure i wanted to continue with the course but now i know i definatley do, and i want to volunteer as much of my time to the Youth center as i can.
Its not all happiness though cos one of the girls that used to come in killed herself a couple of weeks ago. They were showing me pics of her, she was a beautifil girl and looked so happy and was a happy person according to everyone that knew her, but one morning she just got herself ready for school, went in and did her work untill lunch time then came home and threw herself off the balcony. 15 years old is all she was, such a sad sad waste of life. Iv seen so much sadness like that but today when i was being told about this girl i felt so sad for her, what could have driven her to do that, her poor family…i cant even imagine how they feel. It got me to thinking about my own life alot and even though i have been very very very down at times, times when i was in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and life and yeah i would say ' i wish i would just die' or 'i feel like killing myself' but i can honestly say that i never really meant it, even in those really bad times i never really thought about doing it, it was just a way of expressing how shit i felt to myself…. a cry for help maybe…i dont know but im still here to see another day out so i guess i cant really answer the question.(sorry for going on about morbid things like this but its just something thats been on my mind today)
Anyway i went into visit my friend in prison yesterday(the one i have been writing about in my blogs) he seemed happy enough, and positive that he will get bail, but im not so sure. Why are so many people i care about and love locked behind bars…. well obviosuly i know why-cos they broke the law, but what im saying is that its also a sad, waste of life to see someone who you know has so much to offer to the world being locked away. And nothing will ever describe the feeling of going to see a loved one, wheather its a friend, family member or your partner in prison and then having to go and leave them behind. I stayed with my ex for a year or so when he was in prision. He broke my heart,promismed me so much , that he would change his life, stop selling drugs or whatever it was that was getting him into trouble but he came out and was ok for a few weeks but he just couldnt stay straight and now he is just after being sentenced to 10 years for a drugs charge…he's only 22. Its so sad, but that was all a long time ago now that i was with him when he was locked up the first time around. I feel so bad for him and of course i still care about him – i dont love him anymore, well im not IN-LOVE with him anyway… i hope he does something with the time and learns from it, and that it goes fast for him.
My friend rang me today from the prison,we get 6 minutes to talk on the phone-isnt that shit?6 whole minutes, you couldnt describe a loaf of bread in that time! anyway he rang me and we were chatting, about him getting bail etc and he said to me that he was so glad i was his friend and i wasnt turning my back on him and that he really missed me… thats really nice i think, you know to just say that to a friend- to remind people that you love and care about them.
Im doing and feeling much better myself too, when i was back in the city i met with a man that helps people get housing and since im in need he gave me some numbers of landlords etc that might have something nice and safe available for me, im so happy and i really hope i get something before Christmas. Obviously i will be down here with my ma for Christmas anyway but i just hope i have my own place to call home again! I also saw my counsellor,we talked, only for about 30 mins or so but it was good to see her , i still feel the need to see her, i still feel there is alot i need to work through with her and i think what may have added to me feeling so shit last week was the fact that i didnt get to see her, she had to cancel our apppointment becuase she had an emergency (which i understand completley)but anyway it was good to see her. I think when i move back to the city i will start going to NA meetings again, there is so many of them in Dublin whereas here there is only 2 on a week and maybe only 5 or 6 people per meeting…..
Iv also been thinking about God alot, i dont know why but he or it or whatever keeps coming into my mind. I hadnt told anyone about it untill i told one of the members here at the tribe and asked him for some advise on what to do with my feelings… he explained how it was for him and it really hit home and made sense to me for the first time in my life. He knows who he is but i wont mention but i want to say thanks. I tried to talk to god, just asked for help to get through the day, to help me be happy and positive and said thanks at the end of the day and it has made me feel better. When i was making the journey back down here today (i wasnt driving) i just sat in the passanger seat and stared out into the dark sky and looked at the stars… they made me feel really at ease for some reason and reminded me of being young and much more care-free and lying in the football pitch behing my old house with friends during the summer and spotting shooting stars…… what a simple and peacefultime that was (well at least when i wasnt at home it was peaceful and simple!!!)
Ok im going to wrap this blog up now cos i think i might have gone on and on and on ….Just a bit hahaha 🙂 sorry!
I hope everyone is doing good. Kiz x
