Wow – It's been awhile since I updated this blog. Not because I don't like this site – I love it and everyone on it. But, because sometimes it's easier to stick my head in the sand and not think about my problems.
Having said that, I've been making a real effort these past few months to sort my life out, and get to a point where I can feel OK doing things for myself. The reason for this, is because I'm hoping to move out of my parent's home and into my own flat, in the next few months. This is a scary prospect – I thought I should make the effort to get better, because I would hate to be holed up in my flat, low on food and too terrified to go shopping. Of, course I can rely on my parents for help, when I need it – But, I wouldn't want them to have to do everything for me.
I've been going out lots and I find that the more I do it, the easier it gets, and the less likely I am to dwell on bad experiences – like if someone is rude to me or if I make a mistake. My confidence has grown and now I find myself smiling and saying Hello to passers by – whereas, before I was too panick-stricken and terrified to look at anyone.
I'm still scared about moving into my own flat, though. Apartment blocks are a no-no for me – I would be too scared to live in a building filled with strangers, and terrified of being mugged while coming home. I'm looking for the kind of flat where I have one floor of a house. It would be much quieter and less stressful – But there's also the worry of what the neighbours living on the other floor will be like. Having to share a driveway with them. Will they be nice and friendly? Or rude and nasty? Will they think I'm a weirdo because I don't have a job, or friends or go out that much?
I plan to spend plenty of time at my parent's house, though. My brother and sister live here and it's nice to hang out and chat with them. We are a large, close family I guess, which helps alot. My dog Charlie will be coming to live with me, but we have another dog, Phoebe who will be staying behind. The dogs enjoying playing and walks together, so I will bring Charlie to my folk's house which overlooks the countryside and walk both dogs together. It's a shame to split them up. Charlie really is my best friend, though – devoted, cheeky, playful – He's my doggie soulmate!
My parents bought a static caravan at a holiday park with a beach. I've been staying there a fair bit, since last October. At first, I was too terrified to go. Now, I love it – especially the walks on the beach with my dad and the dogs. I don't go into the main complex much, with the shops and restaurants – But I have been there sometimes with the kids and my brother's family. When my 4 year old nephew asks – "Will you come and play golf with us?", my heart melts – How can I say no??
I'm going back there in a week or so, with the kids and my folks. I plan to go out and about with them, plus do some antique shopping for my new flat – I just hope I don't buy an antique wardrobe and try and get it home in my little Corsa!
I even joined an online dating site – I haven't even considered dating for over a year now, due to my anxiety problems. But, now I'm feeling like I wanna give it a shot. I've been messed about a fair bit by men in the past, and this makes me cynical about dating men and their intentions…i.e – They only wanna get me into bed, or they will play games and just mess me around again. I may well meet some like that – But, I might also meet some genuine ones. I have decided that things are going to be on my terms, this time – I will not let anyone take advantage of me or tolerate them messing me about.
One of my biggest recent accomplishments is getting better from my anxiety and gaining confidence without the help of a boyfriend. I did this on my own, so I know I don't NEED a man to make me feel good about myself. I've been happy on my own and even preferred it – because there are less complications. No jumpiness and being on edge, wondering if he's going to call, or wondering if he likes me. Or agonising over why he hasn't called and why he isn't interested. That stuff is hard for a normal person – But can cause emotional turmoil for a person with anxiety. So, I'm making the effort to not care too much about what these men are doing – and just get on with my own life. If someone likes me and wants to be with me – great. If not – I don't give a toss.
Anyway, that's enough from me, for now.