Well…

I've always been hypersensitive. Over-emotional. Things people say or things people do can deeply emotionally affect me…even if they are every day conversations, comments, actions. This has always been the case. My boss says something I interpret as off-handed? I can talk about to anyone who will listen for sometimes days on end —

"What if she meant this…."

"Do you think she's going to…"

"I wonder if…"

And so on. Sometimes my perceived meaning of what someone says spirals into thoughts of paranoia, or far-reaching events related to what was said or done that have not happened yet. I'm usually pretty good at telling myself when these (what I call "crazy") thoughts are not true or real; sometimes it's really hard though. Even harder to stop thinking.

I've experienced a lot of loss in the past month or so; my partner (of five years) and I broke up. My father passed away suddenly, after years of dragging me through his addiction. Week before last I had to euthanize my cat — she was twelve, and the last fragment of a home my family no longer owns. I have no family here, they all live out of state.

So my anxiety, my thoughts, my cherry picking is probably worse than its ever been — I haven't felt this way since the years before my mother died; I was seventeen then. Last week I did not have one day where a singular thought was not an issue — in fact, I was stuck on one particular friend/interaction with said friend/and conversation or lackthereof with said friend. I talked and talked, thought and thought ad infinitum for literally a week. I pissed people off with the degree to which I talked about this. I felt debilitated in my daily routine until the issue with my friend was solved.

If something "normal" affects me this way, it can stop an entire day until my brain resolves the issue, or the issue is resolved in real time.

My psychiatrist says I am officially "in crisis." I haven't been on medication of any kind for over ten years…and she is quite insistent on Zoloft, Atarax, and Trazodone. I don't want to be regularly medicated, but I don't know what else to do at this point.