it was a rough night last night, thus i'm awake so early. but i'm dragging. might take another sleeping pill to go to sleep.

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mom came in crying at like 4:30 am jidt esd i starting to fall asleep. she kept holdomg onto my srm sn i cringed in disgust. aia don't like anyone TOUCHING ME. that simple ,been that way for a very long time.

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after after calming hder for an hour, i went to go purge because i drank to much unsweetend icetea. so i spent half an hour doing that, tit ernt up my nodr agian. damn it burns like a motherfucker.

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i feel do wear right now. i can barely imagine me doing anything much today…i wish i could go to a friend and just vent but whenever i start to go that dark path they usually give non genuine 'you can do it' 'thingd will better" or 'ypire so strong i know you can do this' etc

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or they change the subject nonchalanttly and at that point i give up and follow in the change of subject or i stop replying at all because i can't deal with it.

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I'm not sure if i mentioned this yet but they found me an EDMR therapist and my appointment is monday….

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i starting panicking because i didn't want to leave the house, i wish it could be a phone session.

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once again i tried to explain to mom why and she just frowned and made this annoyed facel i starting to cry and go into a full blown panic attack and she muttered "om my god.." again annoyed;

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then she was like don't you know what happened to ME today? o blew i told her not to worry i'd never speak to her again abou these things.

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because if it's not about her, no one elses pain counts.

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then last night i went to help jon move the cars so he could go into the garage (no cars allowed on the street past 10) but before that a couple where walking their dog and s0 i hid under my car until they were gone.

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and the whole time i checked that no on was around. when we were done i bolted into the house.

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think thats it for all my eyesight is getting blurry from sleep meds and i have no idea if wheat i wrote makes sense…sorry

 

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