e Some how here I am continuing.. I don’t know what to tell you.. Go to bed around 1:30 am.. How i wake up at 7 am every morning is weird. I try my hardest not to think about he who shall not be named. I figured the less i say his name the less it will hurt. I tried to stop listening to sad music but somehow I came back. I guess my body and mind need to process a bit.

I recently have been thinking about my old friend who i mentioned before. He has been heavy on my mind. I feel a lot of guilt for depriving him of the only thing that was obvious. My love and a chance to be everything i need. I’m not sure what I would do. But I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I just have regret feeling over and over. Wish i had been different. Done things differently. Less guilty. All though If i got a chance to say sorry i would and set him free. But i know its better to leave him alone if that is the case if he moved on..

As for he who shall not be named was reaching out and we discussed somethings that were heavy on my chest. I asked him why he would treat me with disrespect after i wished him nothing but happiness. He said “ After I found out you made a tinder in college it hurt me and after all this time has passed it still bothers me. I felt like you didn’t deserve love. I wanted to hurt you like you did to me.”

This guy loved without passion, lust and with a sincere heart. And I feel as if my heart is broken for him. Because I love him but we are both bring nothing for each other. The longer we stay unhappy together the more bitter we both will become. I am afraid he will move on. On his own.

I have had the thought and made attempts but i haven’t committed to the thought. I made it clear to some that i am not looking for anything. Eventually.. My main goal is to stay busy and to not focus so much on the negative.

I can tell you i keep searching and adding guys on my social media. I want that to stop haha..

Until next time..