I’ve been singing with him a lot, and he seems to enjoy that. I’ve done the singing thing as a hobby for years. Never had the energy or commitment to get a band going. Writing is my first love, but I do want to learn to play guitar. Charlie’s a hell of a musician. He started studying at a young age. Not just how to play… but music theory as well… i guess writing is a secondary passion for him the way photography and singing are secondary passions for me. But, we appreciate each other’s art a great deal. He’s always loved my voice. I’ve always lacked confidence with my singing. I have a sort of jazzy, throaty, deeper voice. I tend to do Fiona Apple type songs, when I perfom. I like to do stuff accapella, but occasionally I have someone back me up. And, I love to jam out with my friends (mostly musicians – even Mags, the visual artist, is a guitar player). Though some of the best musicians I’ve been tight with have moved far away, and that sucks, because they’re very dear friends, and it’s hard not having them around. I need to make some new friends.
But, my focus is on Charlie, today. I want to have a good day with him. We need to have some fun. To relax, and laugh together… we’ve done that some, since the ugliness went down, but I need to stack up some good experiences between us and the recent meltdown. He likes to lay around and watch old Deep Space Nine Episodes, so we’ll do that for w hile, but after that I’m gonna try to coax him outside. It’s a beautiful day. Maybe, I can get him to go with me to the beach or something. I want to do something special for him, but I’m having a hard time thinking of something. There are a number of constraints on what I can do, and I never know what will please him. His tastes are very simple. And, he doesn’t like to go out and do much. I mean, once he goes somewhere, he usually has fun, but his depression keeps him from getting interested in doing much.
I want to give us a beautiful day together. I know he won’t make love to me, or anything, but maybe, we could get a little closer. I’d do anything to win him back. The fact that he’s stayed so close has to mean something. He still loves me. He still needs me. And, he doesn’t know how to let go. So, I guess, I have to win him back before he figures it out. Today, all I can do is try to give him a good day, by my side. So, that’s what I’m gonna try to focus on – something I can actually have some affect on, right now. I’m not as depressed when Charlie’s around. But, I’m not really happy, either. I won’t be happy until I get back at least some part of what I’ve lost.
I have to stay in the moment, and focus on today.
We’ll see how it goes.