Been feeling a little antsy lately. I get really weird–and the worst part is, I can see my weird behavior so vividly that I try to act normal, then I overcompensate, NOTICE myself overcompensating, and become fairly convinced that everyone around me scorns my presence. I start to believe that they're trying to get rid of me at work and that DF will finally get fed up and "fire" me as well.

I'm a good employee (now) and DF sees that I'm really trying to hold my end up. It's all funky brain chemistry… The "voice of reason" never goes away, which makes me wonder if the voice gets sick when I do. I suppose that's a worry, when sick thinking starts to sound perfectly reasonable.

Reason =/= Sanity.

I sort of wish I didn't know the difference. Then I would think I was sure of everything I feel, instead of always expecting some weird twist or mood swing. Each one has it's own rapidly growing file that I whip out to remind myself that I'm not the most hateful creature on the planet–it's just hormones or the flu or being overtired. Those files are there to keep me from believing my own destructive crap.

I often get frustrated when I see someone so locked up with their own warped thinking that all they know how to be is miserable–they're given good advice and ample support and the means to change their attitudes and faulty thought cycles but they moan and groan about how everything is working against them, while never lifting a finger to do anything differently. It's just easier to do nothing. They're absolutely right, you know. I'm so damn tired and my situation hasn't turned around. Easier to quit. I wish I was able to quit, but I know too damn much to be allowed to do that now… It's funny… or tragic. Dark comedy, this life–but at least it's comedy. The show must go on and all that.

I've become very superstitious–maybe someone out there will deem it OCD. I feel as though everything is connected in the universe and if I'm a terrible person, terrible things will happen to me as my punishment. So I do good things, I'm kind to others, and here I am holding my entire world on my shoulders like that great big nekkid dude (Atlas???). One mean act will cause all this to unravel, and I have such a hard time not telling jerky people to shove it, so you can see how well THAT method works for me. Probably not a great way to fix things, but trial and error have their value.

Some say happiness is about taking control, others say it's about relinquishing it to a higher power. (No, I'm not talking about your hyped-up comic-book, X-man Jesus, though I do like the REAL guy.)

I'm guessing the real truth of happiness lies in a perfect balance of the two, unless that's just another of my superstitions. Guess I'll know when the bad juju in my head has run its course this time around. Maybe the knot in my gut will be gone and I'll remember what reality really feels like to the rest of the world.

The one constant truth is that nothing is permanent. This feeling will pass, as it always has.


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