I'm on this road. The mud is knee high with snow ontop that goes to my shoulders. There are tall trees whose branches block out all the light. I know that I have to keep moving because keeping on is much easier than stopping and trying to restart. Even a little momentum is better than nothing. I am cold, worn out, tired, sickly and alone. I know two things…….this road really is going somewhere even if I cant see where and this winter can not last forever. However that is little consilation during my darkest hours. I know for sure that if I stop, if I quit, if I give up and just give in to the need to rest forever…..I know for sure that I will be lost.

Tonight I barely care that stopping would make me lost and die. I barely care at all. I'm tired and dizzy from everything. Cold, worn out, tired, sickly and alone. It would be so easy to stop. So easy to sleep. So easy to quit and give up. So easy.

I'm trying to remember why I have made it this far. Trying to remember why I have strugged on so. Trying to remember why I cared. I did, I know I did. I do not remember. Friends have asked me to ask for help when I need it. I cant today. I'm far too tired, too worn out. Its like a wet blanket holding me down. Somehow its all so hard and awful that I dont want a friend to have to come down here to offer a hand anyway. Better that they stay in the light and away from the mud, snow and ice.

I really dont remember why I should continue. I never call in sick. We need the money. Perhaps I should call in sick tomorrow. That would give me 3 days before anyone would miss me.

1 Comment
  1. Aswa 9 years ago

    Steph, I know the "wet blanket"  feeling and it sucks.  I’m so sorry that you are going through this at the moment.

    Words can’t really give you what you need ~ a big bear hug from another human being. Virtual hugs are coming your way in the meantime.

     ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( Steph) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) 

    I remember you caring about your children.  They are waiting for you at the end of the road with their arms wide open. 

    Aswa

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