Super stressed all afternoon hoping that the bleeding would stop long enough so I could have my pap, while at the same time freaking out about having to have the pap. I'm totally embarrassed to say that it has been almost 10 years since I had my last one. I am so fucking naughty. You're meant to have them every 2 years! I'm so overdue and I'm freaking out that something's wrong and that's why I'm having so many gynae probs.

Ended up being able to go to the dr. She did that pap and said I'll have my results in a week, but not to be worried because the cells look healthy. She thinks all the breakthrough bleeding is because of my implanon. But seeing as I fell pregnant with 2 out of the 3 children on the pill, that isn't really a contraceptive option for me. Neither is the IUD because I'm allergic to nickel and the IUD is made from metal.

So she's trying me for a month on an oral contraceptive pill to see if that will even out the hormones and stop the bleeding. If it works, we'll keep doing that, if not, we'll have to try and find another option. Good luck getting my tube (only have one ovary and fallopian tube due to ovarian cysts) tied- I tried that last year and they told me I was too young. Maybe the husband will have to get the snip. Hey, I've had 3 caesareans for him, he can have a nut snip for me haha.

The doc has also put me on a new sleeping pill to try because the Temazapam was so woeful. Hopefully these bad boys will work. Don't have to go back to her for roughly a month- unless I have any probs. Yay!

Went to get the scripts filled and Centrelink has cancelled my Health Care card- so the medicines cost me double what they normally would. Not fucking happy. Am going to give them a nasty phone call tomorrow to see what the hell is going on. We have an asthmatic, 2 coeliacs and a depression/anxiety ridden mother who all need medicine. Not to mention the ordinary everyday stuff like throat infections. God I'm so over this shit. All because the husband is earning an extra 20Gs a year. By the time we pay the increase for the kindy and the medicine there wont be any left!

On another note, Paul was in a foul mood again tonight. He was really impatient with the kids and kept speaking to them like they were shit. It really pissed me off. I got so fucking upset that I started shaking, couldn't form a coherent thought and my heart was racing. I wish he'd use his fucking brain. I'm on edge enough as it is without his shit and then seeing him talk to the kids like that and seeing the fear/pain/confusin in their faces reminds me of how I felt when I was a kid and my father started in me. I just wish he understood how much I HATE it!!! I've tried telling him so many times, and in different ways- calmly, yelling at him, crying- it never works. He just gets smart assy and defensive. I don't want the kids growing up resenting him like I did with my father. I just wish he'd chill the fuck out and remember that they're kids- they're not 30 years old- they don't understand everything and tey can't be perfect. I know I'm going through alot of shit at the moment but I'm not taking it out on the kids like that. When he treats them like that I feel hatred for him.


Appetite: bowl of crisps, coffee, chicken cacciatore (which was destroyed by my husband's over the top drama queentirade at the kids to eat their dinner)

Gynae: bleeding has stopped

Mood: frustrated, angry, anxious, resentful, hateful

Things that upset me today: pap test, another evening wrecked by the husband

Things that I'm grateful for today: the kids, my GP, sleeping tablets, cuddles from the kids, standing in front of the oven on a cold winter's day


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