It's like taking what starts as a purely logical thought and running it through the blender on the pulverize setting; and I for one am getting sick of it.
I'm finding it almost ironic…. The paradoxical effect luvox is having. In some respects, I'm feeling "better"; not so sad all the time, not as bogged down…. In others, the OCD is taking a hot steamy sh1t on my thought process. With OCD, we all know that it tends to feel like you're in a crowded room with 50 people yelling… blah blah blah, we all heard it…. Trying to focus on that ONE person in the corner is difficult at times (all the time). The challenge I'm having now is focusing on the RIGHT person, and listening to reality. I try so hard to do the right things, to act "normal". I have legitimate concerns, issues, etc that need be addressed (at work, friendships, marriage). For some reason, I have these legitimate gripes, and then try to focus on that person in the crowded room; but that person then takes out a bull horn and screams the issue, making it much much much more serious than it needs to be. I latch on to that and believe it as my truth, and then I get upset with people for hurting me so badly. Then I'm left feeling rather lucid, but embarrassed, ashamed, and insecure based on my previous actions… And, in the end, my legitimate concern or issue has completely lost value because now I have lost credibility… "It's the OCD again…. the issue isn't real".. The specific incident is irrelevant, as the story plays out the same each time.
I'm currently on the latter end of the cycle… Embarrassed, ashamed, angry, feeling like my issues don't matter because I cannot articulate them without acting like a freakin loon. I'm left wrestling with my own thoughts. Am I actually wrong here or is what I'm concerned about actually legit; or did I amplify it again. Then the compulsions kick into overdrive, and the cycle starts over… At least it's predictable…. Predictability is comforting in a way.
Then, you find yourself pulled to the side of the road at 2am being questioned by a cop with a flashlight shined in your face. BUT, that's another story for another time.