Well I guess the past just has a way of sneaking up on you, and I guess it really depends if you made Peace with the past on weather it bothers you or not..

My Best friend in highschool and then for year's after that, me and her had a huge falling out, she did some pretty shitty thing's too me and it wasn't just her in the mix, it was her little girl, I was attached to her daughter, I was there since the day she was born, and me and her daughter were bonded without a doubt. So when i lost my bestfriend i lost her as well, and it broke my heart, it broke me down in a lot of way's.. My anxiety is what she blamed to be the biggest part of our friendship not working, but I know that in reality it was her not knowing how to be a friend. But at the end of the day I still miss her, I was just looking @ her facebook, I dont know why I do that but I tend to look at alot of ppl's from my past facebook's, just makes me depressed normally,. but i guess I like to see whats going on.. Well She is having her second Baby, not the same Dad for the both kids, this was a boy. I knwo she always wanted another kid even though she complained about having the first, but she was a girl who wanted a guy and wanted to please that guy so she could keep him and move out of her Parent's House.. But seeing the pictures of the new baby makes me sad, I wish I was there for her and to see the new little one, hold him, get to know him.. But I'm not and I can't be.. I have tried, stupidly, on several occasions to say a few words and reach out to my old friend, always failed.. My Family would think i was a complete idiot if i even tried to really be her friend again, and they'd be right.. How can a person who has done so many hurtful and hateful things have a life that I Dream about.. I mean i don't want EXACTLY what, but I want the guy and the place of our own and the Kid's.. When I think about the Future my anxiety always comes into play, its a sucky feeling! I wonder if I will ever get there, bc of it……. I don't know. I Hope so, and Im trying now more than ever to believe I will get there, but sometimes I just don't know…… Negative Thought's, I know, terriable thing for a person with anxiety.. I see old friend's pics and Im sad & Jealous, I Wish I could just let it all go, remember but let it go.!

Mothers Day was nice, we went to the Cemetary and my Dad and Sister were in tear's and my Brother and Mum were a little chocked up, and me I'm the most emotional of the Family, but I didn't cry, Idk why.. I miss Her, I want Her back everyday, but I made Peace I think that She was in pain and now She is with Her True Love.. & I had a Dream where I got to Hug Her and Say Goodbye and tell Her how much I Love Her, and ina way, I dont know if it makes sense, but it has Helped me soooooooo much & I Thank Her For that! I Love You Always Grandma!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

1 Comment
  1. PittsburghGirl 11 years ago

    Thankyou for that, it\'s not what I want to neccessarily Hear, but it\'s the truth… I just Wish I knew a way to be able to let it go….. Thank You though!

    0 kudos

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