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I guess this is sort of an update. I didn’t make much distance in my goals. I don’t really know how and I’m just hoping for a bit of advice. If you need to know the background and if you care to read it I’ve written a previous blog that has all of that information. It is a bit long. I have a feeling this won’t be, I’m kind of exhausted and I’d really like to jump right to the point. This isn’t about dating, I thought I was ready but I’m not.

My issues with my brother are not better in much ways. I’ve opened to him about how I feel about everything. He imploded rather than exploded which I guess is better, but not good. He stopped speaking to me pretty much immediately, started looking at me funny when I’d come across him just out and about. When I told him, I also mentioned that I wanted to tell our mom. I tried my best to explain some things, I felt in some way it would be good to air it out to someone we both trust, but like I said it wasn’t taken that well. I found out later that he spoke to our mom about it. I’m not sure what was said but one day in the car my mom and me were mildly talking about my brothers and mine childhood. I’d been working my courage up to talk to her about it for months, and in the middle not so casually she says “I know you had a rough upbringing with [my brother] and I missed a lot of things as a mother.” I asked her if my brother had said anything about it. She said he had and that she told him that she forgave him but she didn’t want to know the details. She’s a sensitive person as well, I think that’s why they confide in each other so much. Stupidly, it does make me a bit angry sometimes how close they get. I know it’s just sibling rivalry thing.

This happened over a few weeks ago, I’ve been waiting for a decision of some sort to come to me since I haven’t really been able to make any on my own. I wanted to tell her but I also respect her request not to hear it. In a way it confirms that it would only make her feel incredibly horrible about herself, I don’t want to break anything in her. I’m terrified that she wouldn’t be the same after. I didn’t mention it last time, but she’s been in a fragile state for a few years. Her partner committed suicide less than a decade ago, she was with him after my father. I didn’t know him too well but well enough, he was nice. I still think about him. I only mention it because I don’t know what’s best. I didn’t tell her and right now I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to. I know maybe I shouldn’t try to protect her feelings, but now that I know she doesn’t want to know, all of this has hit a dead end for me. I should respect her feelings right? Especially since it’s a very sensitive issue? She thinks it will hurt her that much and she doesn’t even know what happened, and the truth isn’t that far from what someone could imagine being a worst case scenario between my brother and me, two young children alone.

Is any of what I’m going through normal? Am I handling this correctly? I feel like I’ve gone backwards even though I’m doing the best I can. I think what I’m trying to do is come to terms with the idea that I might not ever be able to get closure from them for the past. I’m terrified if I can’t, what does that mean in regards to mending my emotional wounds?

I’m not good at enforcing boundaries with them I found out. If I want my brother in my life I have to put up certain emotional boundaries that make the relationship feel very distant and he doesn’t like that. And now this with my mom is starting have that same distance.

I don’t know what I should be looking towards. I could move on. It would be cold emotionally for me and I’d have to do it alone, at least at first. I could break my mothers trust now that I know how she feels about it and just tell her everything, possibly making her resent herself and taint the way she looks her family. Whatever else comes with that I don’t even want to put to specific words. Weighing the options I think I’m going to have to do this alone. I guess I’m scared and I don’t know what the first step is. There must be more than just living with them at that distance inside. There’s a lot of internal healing I can do with the guidance of a therapist, but at the end of the day the actual healing so far I’ve had to do alone. Is it the same for everyone? What’s the right choice?

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