I made it through a difficult night without fucking up. I don’t feel especially triumphant. I feel raw, and broken down, and unsure of myself. Can I keep this going? Can we? I understand what people mean about taking care of myself, first. But, love is a complicated thing. It can give life meaning, when there’s nothing else left. Charlie has certainly given me that, at times. Meaning… strength… puropse… and a reason to care, when no other reason could compell me… he’s my soulmate. But… we’ve both taken a beating over the years, and so has our relationship. I know he needs therapy and meds, but he puts off dealing with EVERYTHING, no matter how important, unless I stand over him like a mother hen. I need things, very badly, that I’m not getting from him, but I’m trying really hard to be patient. I know he’s hurt, and has no sex drive. A few more days of gutting through this kick, and that could change. His sex drive could wake up, and things could get interesting (I’ve seen this happen before, so, I know it’s possible). I’m really not sure of myself, right now. But, this has to happen. There’s a lot of potential good on the other side of this, and only ugliness and loss lay ahead, if it doesn’t stop. We will lose everything we have left, if we can’t pull it together. And, we’ve already lost so much… I just can’t let it get any worse. I have to make it right. I know, you can’t save someone else, but he is my husband, which means I can’t write him off like some boyfriend. And, if I can keep myself together, and stay adamant about this, he will fall in line. He has in the past. It’s like, if he sees I really want it, and am ready to do it, he’ll feel too guilty to mess it up. He’ll keep his mouth shut. But, I can’t show any weakness. Because, he’ll feed off that. If he thinks I might want to fuck up, he’ll latch on to that. He doesn’t like to feel resposible for things. Even little things, like "how much money do we take out of the ATM," or "how much do we spend on this?" It really feels like he just doesn’t want to be responsible for the potential consequences of ANYTHING. I’ve thought that for a long time. But, for all his flaws (and he has plenty, of course) he’s a truly beautiful human being. I see so much in him, that I don’t see in myself, that just amazes me. And, some of the ways that we are the same, are just so hard to find. People who love with their whole hearts, with everything they are… you just don’t find people like that everyday. I think my intelligence, and madness fascinate him (even though he clearly worries about my instability). He’s not a drama queen, but he’s used to living in dysfunction, and I think he’s hesitant (perhaps subconsciously) to leave the life he knows how to live. I think he’s afraid of facing reality on its own terms. I am, too, but there’s a lot to fight for, here. I have a play to finish. I want to keep food in the fridge, and keep the stove from being shut off (cause the gas goes unpaid), and to be able to cook big meals for my friends, like I used to. I want to be able to keep a clean house, and pay my rent on time (we have a permissive landlord, or we’d be fucked by now). I want to pay back Jordan the money I owe him, and maybe be the one loaning my friends money, once and a while. I want to goback to school, more than anything. I worked so hard to get out of the southside, and into college, and after a while, things got so ugly, that I stopped caring about myself, and let it all get taken away. I abused myself, because I was so miserable, and full of self loathing, I couldn’t see a reason not to follow Charlie down. He was all I loved, at that point. I had lost just about everything else along the way. And, then… I made some new friends. That first year with Charlie… first Ben (a pure soul, who now lives in Iowa, helping to run a halfway house), and then his pal Quinn. They helped us a lot. Emotionally, and materially… and we paid them back over the years, taking them in when they didn’t have a place (which is how Quinn and I got too close, in the first place, back when that closeness began), throwing them cash when we’d get a tax refund or something… and our little family eventually grew. But, the members that built up have mostly moved away, since then. Matt went back to Minnesota. Ben’s saving the world. Bob is in Portland with his young wife. Maggie’s still here, and so is Jordan, but that is pretty much it. That’s not even a circle. Quinn lives in Milwaukee, which is close, and he comes out on the weekends to see his brother (his brother’s also my friend, but I don’t know how close a friend he considers me – we don’t hang out a whole lot, but he’s also very busy with medical school, so who knows?), and it sucks knowing he’s in my city, and we can’t see each other or speak. It kills me. Nothing can replace a close friend. Nothing… and, I’ve lost too many friend already, in one lifetime. I was too manic to really contemplate the consequences, while I was seeing Quinn – not that I couldn’t fathom the possibility of it all going wrong, but it was all very distant, and abstract, and I think I really thought that I could stop it, and bury it, and Charlie would never have to get hurt – (*sighs*) the things we convince ourselves of, sometimes. But, in my abstract theory of what could happen, I knew, theoretically, that could lose Charlie. I could… but, I was going to protect him, see. He was never gonna know. (So stupid…) I never thought about losing Quinn. I never considered the possibility, that I could lose my best friend. I never would’ve guessed that he would stay away like this. It feels like a betrayl, but I know its possible that his intentions are honorable, in keeping his distance. But, since he hasn’t dropped even a hint of what he’s thinking, where he’s at, or what’s going on with him… I have no idea why he’s doing what he’s doing. I just know I miss him, and that this really fucking sucks. I wrote him a couple emails, trying to get him to make some small contact. A two word email that say, "I’m okay," or "we’re okay," would go along way, I’ve told him, but I get nothing back. I hate having no control over what happens next. I’m out of the driver’s seat in both of these relationships. As far as Quinn’s concerned, I may be permanently out of the car. I don’t know how he can stand it. I miss hanging out and joking around with him, so much. This has to hurt him, too.
So… Charlie says he’s on board to see this thing through this weekend. I really hope this pans out, because if it doesn’t… I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me, or to us. If it does… wonderful things could start to seem possible, again. I just hope something changes soon. I need some piece of my foundation back. My marriage is obviously the piece I want back the most, but I also miss Quinn, so much. It’s not about the affair. For years, I was always happier when he was around because he makes me laugh, and we have a great time together. We talk, and watch old TV shows, and confide in each other. We talk about our lives, about our secrets, and about our sadness. We talk about everything. We’ve always been good at being friends. I really don’t want to give that up. But, I can’t fight for it, right now. I’ve got too much at stake to run around, chasing after a friend who’s both a threat to my marriage, and seemingly unwilling to communicate with me.
Charlie’s so beautiful. I know he’s flawed, but I think a lot of what’s driving me nuts about him is being caused by the drugs. Once we break that barrier, I’ll know much better where I stand.
Someone asked me if I’m aching so much for Quinn because he might be my soulmate. I understand the question, given how much I long to have him back in my life, but I think I long for that so much because my friends are so important to me. They’re like a family that you actually choose. It’s a huge honor that people bestow upon one another, and a lot of trust and commitment is involved. Most of the friends I grew up with are gone, now, and… the people I do have… they mean the world to me. So… Quinn… who’s been so close, for so long… he still means the world to me.
I wish Charlie and I could talk about things, honestly, but I know he’s not there, yet. Well meaning people keep encouraging me to reach out to him about the whole thing. Someone recently suggested that maybe he was ready, and just needed a shove. Unfortunately, I know my husband. And, while I have been wrong about what was going on in his head, in the past, I think I’m reading him pretty clearly, at the moment. I really think I’ve played this last month as well as I could, with him. I’ve been patient and accomodating, and while I obviously don’t want our marriage to end, I also haven’t pushed him to talk about it. I feel very strongly that this is what he wants, right now. Yes, it sucks, and I hate it, but I need to make him feel like I am respecting his needs and space, right now, or this whole thing could just be shot. He doesn’t want me to fight for him, the way I would want him to fight for me. I learned that from him the hard way, in a prior crisis situation, some years back. He needs space and time, and I think giving it to him is my best chance. I’ll push for couples therapy, and dig my heels in about saving the marriage, when the time is right. Too soon… and everything could slip through my fingers… like sand, when you try to hold it tight…
The cat seems to be responding well to the home remedy. He may not have to endure the stress of a vert visit, after all. (Hehas emotional probs, so, even the bus ride over would have him freaking out like you wouldn’t believe.) I had a terrible dream that someone poisoned my cat. I’d kill someone of they did that to my baby cat.
I need a little more rest. Maybe, after my cat nap, I’ll smoke and hop in the shower. The heat might help my back. I keep dozing off, a