Yeah, so this is me.
Who is ‘me’? A guy at the end of the tether… someone who sees a great life on top of that hill, but try as he might just keeps slipping into obscurity.
Four years ago, I actually did something… I took a step forward. I can remember months later feeling like someone who for the first time (in decades) of feeling like I was a part of a group of people that ACCEPTED me. It didn’t matter that the ‘group’ was disfunctional. It didn’t matter that I was always on the periphery of that group… I was still inside that group, not just looking inside from the outside.
I can remember saying out loud to myself how I would rather die than go back to my old life… a life alone, filling my days with news and minutia of no value. It felt so great to have people that actually included me in their plans.
Well, here I am, four years later. No longer a part of any group and with no friends.
I’m not a religious person, but I have some strong personal moral lines I won’t cross. Suicide is one of them. I’ve often thought about it, but I’d never do it. But when I start thinking about how to do it and how to lessen the shock on my family, it’s not a good thing. I think about those things, reject the idea of ever really doing it, then come to the realization that ‘suicide ideation’ (I think that’s what they call it) (whether or not the ideas are ever going to be realized), is not a good thing. It’s an indication of how badly I feel, how tired I am.
But you know, I’ll keep trying, and failing. In the end, I see myself dying alone..
Socially you see, I am so far out of the loop, I don’t fit any group, nor will I ever. You can’t play catch up in the social maturation game when you are thirty years stunted in development.
What? You come to ‘depression tribe’ and expect a happy story? Maybe you should go read a blog on ‘happy feet tribe’.
Peace
Well, I think you are handsome, intelligent but ignorant perhaps to the fact that you ARE part of a group…this one…lol. I”m better off thinking about death and suicide than doing it…and so are you…..everyone thinks about that shit…millions of people go through this life never even recognizing the fact that there is such a thing as depression or personality disorders and they just infiltrate other”s lives with their bullshit.
We are brave, lucky and strong to have recognized what we are and accept it, admit it….but we are NEVER alone….Hugs, Prayers, Star
Thanks for the comments. I”ve had other friends online, but unfortunately it is very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship with people you can”t be with. Further, it is kind of a crutch that does very little for (if not stunts) my ability to gain and keep friendships in the ”real” world.
My plan, after writing the above and exorcising a few of my demons (really, they”re not gone, so maybe I just exercised them) is to continue to work out, lose weight, gain some confidence and keep bugging acquaintances to hang out … and push myself to make new connections with new folks.
Peace