Its been a while since I last blogged but felt the urge to write tonight.

So what’s been going on for me lately?

I turned 30. That was a big thing for me. I don’t really have friends and family and always thought I’d be dead by this point. But I am still here. I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

I’ve been living with my housemate for almost 2 years now. We’ve always got on really well but lately she’s started seeing someone who is recently widowed. I don’t understand it and it made me uncomfortable. When I saw them together it gave me extreme anxiety and I was having panic attacks that went on for hours. I hated it. It got to the point where I didn’t want to come home. I knew my reactions weren’t right and we started to argue loads. I started seeing a shrink again because of it. She helped me see that I was projecting my feelings of confusion onto the wrong situation, and I was actually confused about my sexuality and that’s why I was having extreme emotional reactions. I’d always considered myself bisexual, particularly when manic or hyper sexual, but I am gay. That was a couple of weeks ago I had the revelation and am now wondering, what next? I had my first date with a guy yesterday and it was so awkward. I’ve got so much to learn about being gay and have to make the journey on my own.

I’ve always coped by keeping things to myself but don’t think that’s wise anymore. My shrink says I have a mental age of 16 as I haven’t had typical developmental experiences. But I could have like 15 years of experience in a short space of time.

My mental illness is making me feel more alone than ever before, but I am trying to stay well. Still not taking lithium though, not convinced that will help.

So this is me:

31

Bipolar

Gay

Socially awkward

Overweight

Terrible family life

Very alone

and as of this morning 1 broken foot.