Well I couldn't find my external hard drive to pick out a better song :(, another thing I've lost. Atleast I actually put a song this time, usually I'm to lazy to even look one up. Anyway my day is going pretty crappy, my Dad had to go back to work (I feel so bad for him b/c he has to work so much overtime and doesn't get to see my Mom). Then he has to deal with my Mom and I being depressed because he's always gone (he's my best best friend and I love them both very much). I've been without a job and leeching off of them for over 2 years now. Most of it is because i've been in and out of the hospital or to depressed to even function. I'm a Certified Pharmacy Technician and I can't even find a job, my Mom tries to make me feel better and say that the convienent store wouldn't hire me because I'm over qualified and might find a better job somewhere else. Of courseI would try to find a job some where else I wouldn't be getting paid what I should. This is a big part of my problem not having a job, my happiness comes from interacting with or/and helping others without that I'm like a lost lonely puppy. Alot of things bothering me today, my Mom told me yesterday that I'm always negative or gripeing have I turned into a nagging bit*ch? Please Lord help me if I'm!!! Mom and I've been arguing alot more and I know it's because I'm leeching off of them and causing them to borrow money from my brother who is doing pretty fricking good on money, very successful, moving up in his job; then there's me no job, no money, no husband for support. What do I have in life my faith is weakening and that is not good. I've been sick with some sort of stomach bug, infection whatever you want to call it for 15 days, I talked to someone at the doctors office today and they just said well if it gets any worse call us back—-frickin lady should be fired, she's the one who didn't call in my medicine when i was in bed the whole time, atleast today i've come out of my ~CAVE~. Last night my parents were asking about my dog and why she was in my room the whole weekend mopeing I said I didn't know, but today she has just followed me around like she's glued to my hip. I was worried about her so I let both dogs sleep in my bed last night maybe that cheered her up. I see my psychiatrist this week on the 10th I hope he doesn't put me back in the hospital, I know my depression and night terrorsaregetting worse but when I'm away from family it gets even worse; my Mom knows how to talk to me to calm me down and she's always been there even when she didn't want to be. She didn't come and see me this past time I overdosed because we were arguing and I still felt like the only thing that I could do to make her happy in life was ending my own life. I know she loves me no matter what, it's just sometimes it feels like she hates me, I know she's disappointed in me and doesn't truely hate me but i don't know sometimes I do question it.


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