hi. i hope everyone had a really great day. friyay woo : )

there is a writing contest at my school and i am not really good with words at all to be honest but the theme was anxiety and i was like : o that is something i could actually try to write about. so, i wrote this poem. it is really more about contamination OCD, which is not synonymous w anxiety but does stem from anxiety. it is not the most uplifting and is still in the works but i sorta wanted to share. WARNING: this may be triggering for those w OCD, anxiety, or addiction

How to explain something you do not even understand yourself?

I used to think we were good friends

You would find ways to push forward when I saw dead ends

You told me if I kept going, I would find my way through

And that no matter what, we’ll have each other, me and you

With reassurance so sweet and intentions so pure

It would have been selfish for your requests to be ignored

All i had to do was listen to you

And freedom from my thoughts and doubts would ensue

With a relationship so simply platonic and symbiotic

How did it spiral into something so neurotic

Your presence started to become more and more

Which, in your defense, I welcomed with an open door

Like a guest, I wanted you to stay

You offered me the validation I was missing

You asked for my blankets, pillows, and food

And how could I say no, I did not want to be rude

This was all fine, this was all okay

Having you in my life was a must, it felt only necessary

Except it was not pillows you were asking for

It was an insistent washing of hands, fear of touching handles on a door

I know I am not touching contaminants, yet I can’t shake the thought what if

You tell me just to be sure, go wash your hands for 6 minutes

3 intervals of 2 minutes at least

That is all you need for a sense of relief

No friendship is worth a 6 hour long shower

So why do I still let you hold power

No matter where I am, home or in school

You are the priority always, you have the final rule

Even if I ask you cant you just wait

You tell me it will be quick and how it will feel so great

When people talk to me I only hear you

In lectures, with friends, you come along too

Your whispers are louder than anyone’s voice

But the discomfort I feel if I dont submit leaves me with no choice

You drain me to the point where I just want to sleep

Yet I have not been able to go in my bed for over 2 weeks

I am not clean and do not want to spread it to my bed too

So I rest assured on the floor, with the only blanket I have not given to you

How do i explain something i do not understand

How do I explain what I have done to my hands

How do I tell my professor the reason my assignment is late

Is because my computer was disinfecting for 3 hrs and i needed to wait

How do I tell my mom that it is not that I do not want to eat dinner w her or not that I am unable

It is simply that I am scared to touch our own dining room table

How do I tell my boss the reason I am late by an hour

Is because I could not drag myself out of the shower

Last weekend, I ruined my best friend’s birthday

I left the bathroom at 4 when I went in 12:30

How do I tell her when we were supposed to spend the whole day together

That I was busy scrubbing my skin in hopes that it would make me feel better

Not even the sight of my own skin peeling

Is enough to silence this unclean feeling

I swear I could bathe in bleach

And I would still feel you on me like a leech

The worst part is I should want you gone

I should hate the leash you put me on

But you still offer me that second of relief

And for that Im scared to let go and am not sure I even want you to leave

How do I get them to understand

That I do not regret what I have done to my hands

How do I get them to understand

I do not know how to explain what is going on, I do not understand