It's a long story, and I'll edit this later to get it all down, but over the weekend, I came up against one of the social situations that cause me the most anxiety, a similar thing to what sent me physically, literally running away a couple of years ago (still a memory that fills me with more shame than I've ever felt over anything). And I struggled, and I was sad, and I had really only one choice; I had to face it down. To not do so would have been noticeable and unexplainable to a lot of people I really respect; they all would have seen, there was no escape. And it felt unfair- why did I have to feel this afraid and isolated and alone when everyone else was fine? Why did I have to be anxious? And I was sad and cried a little bit and had about 10 minutes to make my decision. And I texted my best friend from home, to ask him to tell me something, anything inspiring. Anything that could remind me I'm a kick-ass person who can totally do it. He never texts me (our friendship is functionally on hold while we're both away at school) but he responded so quickly- "Um, you don't currently realize that you are now and always have been amazing. The most insightful intelligent person I've ever met who can succeed at anything they do, literally.". And it made me burst into tears and I knew I was going to do it. And I did and I'm soooooooo proud of myself. I feel like it decreases a little bit of the shame I still feel from years ago. It doesn't fix it totally, I'm not sure anything can, but it makes me feel a little less hopeless and worthless and cowardly. It wasn't as big a deal as that one incident, not by far, but I feel powerful and proud- the fear really always is worse than the reality- i've got to remember that.
I'll update this in full sometime for the detailed story (got to go to bed- i've got a midterm tomorrow), but I was so excited and felt so proud that I had to share it immediately.