I KNEW I WAS GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN WHEN I DECIDED TO MOVE IN WITH FAMILY AFTER I HAVE LIVED ON MY OWN FOR ALMOST 20YRS. i WANT TO SAY IVE BEEN LIVING ALONE FOR 10-12YRS. I LIKE BEING ALONE BUT MY AGE AND MY HEALTH DECLINING GOT ME TO THINKING AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE FOUND DEAD MANY DAYS LATER SINCE NO ONE EVERY REALLY CHECKED IN ON ME. ITS FUNNY CUZ I COME FROM THIS REALLY BIG FAMILY THAT IS REALLY VERY CLOSE AND WE ALWAYS HAVE BIG FAMILY GATHERINGS……..BUT THEN THAT GOT ME TO THINKING THAT NO ONE DOES CALL ME REGULARLY TO CK ON ME. THE FAMILY HAS ALWAYS SEEN ME AS THE STRONG INDEPENDENT ONE…..MORE LIKE THE MOST SCARED ONE. HAHA.

I LACK THE COURAGE TO COMMIT MYSELF TO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP…I WILL PROBABLY FILL YOU IN ON THEY WHY'S LATER.

I DECIDED TO REACH OUT TO A DOCTOR TO GET ON MEDICATION SINCE I DIDNT SEE ANY PURPOSE IN LIVING. I REACHED OUT TO MY FRIENDS AND THEY RESPONDED IN DIFFERENT WAYS THAT ALL WERE  NOT WHAT I EXPECTED NOR WAS NEEDING. I AM SURE I CONFUSED THEM ALL BUT NO ONE EXTENDED THE GENTLE LOVING ARM OF LOVE. NO SOFT WORDS, NO "I'M HERE FOR YOU", INFACT THEY ALL PUSHED ME AWAY. THEY CLOSED THEMSELVES OFF. AND EVEN NOW, ITS ALL ON ME. I ATTEMPED TO SHARE AND NO ONE CARES SO IS THIS MY PLIGHT? IS THIS IT?

AN OLE BOYFRIEND CALLED ME UP THE OTHER NIGHT AND SAYS HE MISSES ME AND HE LOVES ME AND WANTS ME TO MOVE TO THE STATE HE IS LIVING IN SO HE CAN BE NEAR ME LIKE HE WANTS. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW DEPRESSED I AM BUT IN HIS SMALL WAY IT GAVE ME HOPE AND AT THE SAME TIME JUST DROVE THAT NAIL IN FURTHER.

I FEEL LIKE IM STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD, NO WHERE TO TURN NO DESTINATION IN MIND NO SOUND,NO WIND NO RAIN. JUST A DRIED UP DIRT ROAD AND ME. HOW LONG DO I STAND THERE?