I know I'm not perfect, nor would I want to be, but you seem to think I should at least try to be. I'm sorry, but that is not going to happen and there are a few things I need to say.

When we were dating, you put me up on a pedastle. I asked you not to do that, but you would not listen. You made me out to be this woman who could do everything exactly right and would never let you down. You said, many times, that I was 'out of your league', which was never true, but you believed it. I nearly called off the wedding because of your twisted view of me, because I knew it was not true and would be impossible to live up to and I WOULD let you down, when you came back to earth. I guess I should have followed my gut and called it off. But I couldn't stand the thought of hurting you and even more so, not having you in my life anymore. My love for you ruled that decision, but it was very selfish of me and I'm sorry.

No matter what you think, I can't fix everything. I know you are frustrated by your illness and the difficulty you are having in getting it under control. But getting angry with me because I ask you questions about your sugar level or suggest something that might help or that I've read and suggest you might show your doctor is only making me withdraw from you. It really hurts when you yell at me or treat me like I'm stupid. I'm trying to deal with this too, you know.

I'm trying to find a second job so we can pay for your meds and I'm doing the best with the money we have. You can't keep demanding things that aren't in the budget, then expect to have the money when we need it for something else. Refusing to take medication because I had to temporarily borrow the money to pay for it is incredibly selfish and childish. You don't seem to care if you die, which says a lot about your feelings for me and your family. It makes me so angry that you would be ok with the effect it would have on me if you die. You rant about how wrong suicide is, yet that is, in effect, what your death would be in this instance.

Please, please stop cricizing everything I do. I can't seem to do anything right anymore. I work very hard and try to do things, buy my way may not always be your way. In your eyes, if it isn't your way, it's wrong and, again, I'm stupid. Nothing makes me feel worse. It seems that everything you say to me, anymore, is condescending or argumentative. I don't even want to talk to you anymore. I hate my job, but I have begun to really dread leaving it to go home and have an even more miserable night.

You ask me what is wrong, what my problem is, why I always seem so unhappy. Well this is part of it, but anytime I try to bring up the problems we have between us, you shut me down, get mad and throw or break things and then stay mad at me for a few days. I walk on eggshells because anger and stress affect your sugar levels so much, but I have constant headaches and vertigo because my blood pressure is so high. I have begun to wish I would just have a massive heart attack and be done with it. I know that it's wrong for me to wish for such a thing, and in a way it is no better than your deathwish, but I can't help it. I just want some peace. And joy. And happiness. And love. Love would be good.


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